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I've been playing with a party in several other campaigns for about 18 months. We've gotten pretty deep into the story in each, but I've only started taking notes for the past 2 months. Now, when the DM reveals some new lore I ask follow-on questions like a wording choice or something like that.

The party -- especially 2 players who seem to just take over roleplay scenes -- belittle me and say stuff like ''I do wonder if there is something like this...'' and ''if only there was someone who was related to this I do wonder....'' They ask really sarcastically, they exchange info with each other and not the rest of the group, and it just makes me feel so inferior to them.

I want to help and play but it's not fun when I'm constantly bombarded with these comments mocking that I can't remember details about lore. Any advice on whether or not I should stay with this group and confront them and how to do that. They already are fed up with me mentioning how I'm feeling.

Should I leave?

NotArch
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Jurassic
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    Welcome, Jurassic. I've made some edits to make your question more easily read. However, "any advice" is really broad--possibly too broad, we'll see whether close-votes come in. Is there any way you can narrow that? Are you looking for advice on better taking notes to incorporate details? How/whether to confront the players about how they're making you feel? How to stop caring about these lore-questions? How to find a new group? The more focused your questions is on your problem and goals, the more useful answers you'll tend to get around here. – nitsua60 Aug 22 '23 at 10:21
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    This sounds like a rough situation. Could you share more detail about the group or Dungeon Master? Have the DM, or the rest of the group reacted in any way to this situation? Are you the one primarily targeted, or are others also targeted by this behavior? You mentioned that they are fed up with you mentioning how you are feeling. Does this mean you already tried to resolve the situation and it didn't work? – Deeps Aug 22 '23 at 11:19
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    When you say they know how you're feeling, what have you told them already? – Jason_c_o Aug 22 '23 at 11:29
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    It is unfortunately common that if you have to ask "should I leave the group" you already have the answer. I felt it necessary to edit your post since it devolved into a stream of words with no punctuation nor focus. Has my edit captured what it is that you are trying to relate at the end? If not, please edit your question again to make it more clear. Also, you have multiple questions here. 1. How to deal with rude players? 2. Should you leave the group? 3. How to find another group? Please visit the link for more guidance on [Ask] a question that will attract a quality answer. – KorvinStarmast Aug 22 '23 at 11:47
  • so i told them about certain feelings i had like depression, i had been dealing with it for some time and i felt comfortable telling them but they just either didn't react or said they didn't want to hear this kind of stuff and i have mentioned before that i didn't like being told and mocked for my lack on intelligence at times. – Jurassic Aug 22 '23 at 11:53
  • Is your question should you leave or how to find a new group? – NotArch Aug 22 '23 at 12:38
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    Unfortunately, this really reads more like a rant than a question. I honestly can't tell what your question is here - can someone else maybe help me out or vote to close? – NotArch Aug 22 '23 at 14:12
  • @NautArch-is-skeptical-about-SE From my perspective, the OP lays out their problem situation, says what course of action they are considering and is asking us for advice on how to proceed. – Deeps Aug 22 '23 at 14:31
  • @Deeps So the question is whether they should stay? – NotArch Aug 22 '23 at 14:32
  • @NautArch-is-skeptical-about-SE I read the question as asking "what approach is appropriate in my situation?" Which I think is fair to ask rather than choosing one possibility and asking "is this what I should do?" Though I agree the part with "If I do leave, how to find a new group?" muddles things. – Deeps Aug 22 '23 at 14:39
  • I updated your question, but please let me know if I’m wrong! – NotArch Aug 22 '23 at 14:42
  • Possibly related: https://rpg.stackexchange.com/questions/100430/dealing-with-2-immature-players-who-detract-from-the-experiences-of-others – B. S. Morganstein Aug 22 '23 at 18:55
  • @Jurassic I'm not sure what the examples of what they're saying are supposed to convey. In my group sometimes somebody will ask things like "Does anyone have the Religion skill? Anyone? James??" which might seem passive aggressive, but really it's more that we're doing our best not to "try to play your character for you" by saying like "James, do a religion roll!" or something. Is that what you're experiencing? – Darth Pseudonym Aug 23 '23 at 15:44
  • @DarthPseudonym OP does provide how the statements made them feel, which is all we can really know. – NotArch Aug 23 '23 at 16:50
  • Well, what I meant was trying to understand the context of the party saying "I wonder if there's something like this?" As in whether it's making fun of the OP for taking notes (as in "I remember it all in my head, nyeh!") or if it's prodding to say "You should be doing something in this scene that you have forgotten to do". If it's the second one, then this may be an issue where the other players don't think they're being rude or sarcastic; but if it's purely to make fun then that probably isn't going to be resolvable by talking it out. – Darth Pseudonym Aug 23 '23 at 19:59
  • @DarthPseudonym That’s not a bad take. I’d upvote that as part of a solid answer. – NotArch Aug 23 '23 at 20:25
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    Right, thus the request for details. – Darth Pseudonym Aug 23 '23 at 20:35

2 Answers2

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It is hard to see exactly how bad the situation is as an outsider, so in the end, you are the best person to answer whether you should find a new group.

Here is my perspective based on my experience of tabletop and some advice on what to do or think about.

Is this a toxic situation or a misunderstanding?

You say that you are not having fun playing and that after trying to talk to the players who are the problem, things didn't improve. This is a pretty big red flag.

It is not your job alone to try and fix the broken dynamic. And finding a new group that will be more fun to play with might be a preferable choice. The subreddit LookingForGroup worked very well for me for online groups on multiple occasions.

There are options for you if you still want to try working things out with the current group.

1) Stand up for yourself and talk to the other players.

This is here mostly for completeness. It sounds like you already did this and unfortunately things didn't work out.

2) Talk to your DM outside of the session and see if they can help.

While it is not only the DM's responsibility to maintain good table culture within the group, they are often in a privileged position to do it. Explaining the situation to the DM might lead to a few outcomes:

  • They might be able to use their authority to resolve the situation.
  • If the players in question are causing other problems at the table, they might have to leave, and you can continue the campaign.
  • The DM doesn't want or is not able to help mediate the problem, but that might help make the decision to leave the group at least.

3) Talk with the other players in the group.

I wouldn't do this unless I talked with the DM first. If you feel like other players are unhappy with the group dynamics, talking to them about your situation and the fact that you are considering leaving the group might be a good idea.

If you are in a toxic situation, there is a chance that you might not be the only one in the group with the issue. Maybe you could look for a new group together.

As an afterthought, you mentioned depressive feelings. I don't suffer from the same issue, but I deal with fairly bad mood swings, which often significantly alter the experience during my D&D sessions. I've found myself feeling like things are not working and I should leave my group in the moment, but after more examination realized it was just a patch of really bad mood distorting the actual situation and my perception of it.

I am not saying this is what is happening to you. You shouldn't gaslight yourself into thinking there is no problem if there is one, but it might be worth examining while dealing with the situation. Ultimately though, if you are not having fun and don't see a way to fix things, you might need to find a different group either way.

Deeps
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it's not fun

There you have it. These kinds of games are supposed to be wildly fun. But the greatest game system or adventure box cannot provide fun if the people on your table are not mixing well.

You are not telling us anything about the disposition of your players or DM, nor your own "robustness", so it's hard to tell if you should talk about this at the table or in private with the DM.

If you feel uncomfortable about these kinds of things, then a way to open the issue with the DM that should be relatively scare-free would be something like "Hey Dungeon Master... I am feeling really uncomfortable at the table lately, and thinking about whether I should continue. Players X and Y seem to have a much different idea of how to run these games, and it seems we do not gel that well. While some banter is fine for me, I am not really feeling it to be that humorous in the recent past. Do you have some advice for me?"

Then let the DM take it from there - they might or might not discuss the situations with you, and maybe relax your view of that (maybe they know those players for decades and can convince you that it indeed is only humour). Maybe those players are not aware how they are hurting you, and the DM can discuss it with them. Maybe it will lead to an open discussion at the table, moderated by the DM, with the DM having advanced warning and some ideas how to make it work well.

And if it doesn't work out, by all means do leave. I am a bit older and would have zero patience for a group with toxic members; I personally would make no scene about it, and would not particularly go out of my way to make them aware of their behavior (especially if I like those players in other, non-gaming contexts, and wanted to keep it that way), but would simply move on. Your mileage may vary.

AnoE
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