I don't know if I love my parents

Question

I'm 17 now, I was always close with my mother, there was an immediate bond and we got along great, similar personalities, sense of humour, etc. My dad on the other hand was an alcoholic, he will always be even though he's not a heavy drinker anymore. When I was little I didn't know what this was so I loved him, then my mother would start telling me and my older brother horrible things about my father. They don't love each other you see. She stayed with him so we would have a financially secure childhood.

But she despises him, they can't be in the same room together without fighting, yes me and my brother have had enough money for some of life's little luxuries, but at what cost?
My home is broken, my mother can tell you countless horrible things about anyone in our family, except me and my brother of course.

I remember, when I was little how she would make me laugh, I can still hear my laugh as a little boy, it's contagious, but now, now it's different. She still makes me laugh but I don't feel quite so, happy.

This may be due to the stress due to exams or my not knowing what I want to do in the future but I also feel a lack of an emotional connection with her, I feel less remorse after an argument, I'm less interested in her stories, i want to say I love her dearly, but I'm not entirely certain what the love a child has for a parent feels like. And you can't exactly google that. I read online that it may be the developmental schism, but I don't know if that happens to someone my age.

As I've gotten older I've seen more of my mothers flaws, things that as a child you would call mummy's magic powers or something, you'd put it down to how mothers are. But I wonder if it's just her? There are different rules to her that the rest of us, she can say how something we do is perceived negatively but we can not by any means do the same. She can use attitude with us first but the second we do it back we did it first and it's a nightmare. Then there's after an argument where I've supposedly done something wrong she gives me something, sort of passive aggressively, like she'll argue with me and then come into my room with something small like a toothbrush(new) and say 'I got this for you today because I saw your old one was just about done', and I can hear the venom in her voice and its shocking, when I do something 'wrong' she never wants to talk to me about it first, she just gets angry and it feels like she doesn't listen.

I can't wait to move out, rule free is one reason, another is to want to see a therapist, I want to know what's up with my mind cause I dunno if it's normal, and I don't feel comfortable asking.

I don't feel comfortable telling my mother a lot.

She only discovered about my first 'girlfriend'(together for 5 months, not official, no sexual relations) when I was to emotionally destroy get to hide it, not for lack of trying though and the next week when I could hide it I did, I was only gonna tell her about them if we became official. And even then after a 'safe zone' of time cause a lot of relationships my mates have at my age end after 2 weeks.

I don't always trust her. I don't know if I love her, cause I'm not sure what that feels like.

Additionally, if it helps I have also compiled a list of things as a parent I would do like her and another list of what I would do differently.

Answer 1

You are at an age of transition, and transitions are difficult for most of us because they require our relationships to change. As you become an adult, you need your parents to treat you differently than when you were a kid. This can be really difficult for all of you. This is normally a stressful time with confused feelings.

There's love (the feeling) and love (the verb). You may not be feeling love right now, because your folks are not behaving in an exemplary manner, but you can still choose to love them - to consider what is in their best interest, to act accordingly with a kind heart. Give yourself space to become an adult, don't worry so much about labeling your feelings, and be kind to yourself as you practice kind regard for them.

Best wishes!

Answer 2

It is not normal that anyone tell you the faults of another person. It's a sign of mental instability. Particularly if it's your mother talking about your father, this is especially toxic. That said, I think it is normal that you would feel that way about her. This is not related to your age. You're growing up and you are able to see what the world and other people are about, without your mother secretly pointing out all their flaws and perils. But the challenge is to bring your own judgement of the world into focus and not let what your mother has been telling you cloud it. From what you are saying it seems to me that your mother has been trying to manipulate you, though I can't say for what reason.

It's also normal that you don't want to tell your mother a lot. She has been speaking ill of others for a very long time, I assume. The less you reveal about yourself to her, the less ill she has to say about you. This is a defense mechanism against the backlash (from her) which you have described. What you need to do is realize that you are becoming more independent and you can drop this (and I'm sure other) defense mechanisms. Learn how to deal with your mother in a different way. There are many how-to's on-line for dealing with mentally unstable individuals (I found Psychology Today to be a great resource), including narcissists, people with borderline personality disorder and insecure people. I believe some of the tips on these might help you deal with your own situation.

But you are correct in that you should seek therapy. A therapist can help you deal with such a person. He or she can also point out how living with such a person has affected you and what counterproductive patterns of behavior you may have developed yourself because of it. That way you can change those behaviors within you and turn them to your advantage.

Seek help regardless of whether or not you are independent and away from your mother. The consequences of this are far-reaching and may affect the kind of partner you choose for yourself; you may as well unwittingly marry your own mother (at least judging by personality) and so eventually put your future children in the same predicament, and this regardless of how you would like to raise them (because your mother-partner will have a slightly different idea).

Also, be careful about picking out a therapist. Find someone with experience and a track record of having helped people improve their lives. If you are having trouble - within 3 months of beginning therapy with one therapist - to point out which areas of your life have improved, then change the therapist. Also if you are having difficulty finding money to finance your therapy, do try and talk to someone in your family about it. You may find that they are not as bad as you are being led to believe by your mother and that they might be willing to help you. The key is that perhaps the person who is most likely to be willing to help is the one who you have heard the most slander about from your mother.

Good luck and godspeed.