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I use the words "I'm sorry" to mean two different things. One being "I apologize for wronging you" and the other, "I empathize with your situation".

90+% I'm using it as the latter, however, my spouse (and other people) often respond along the lines of "It's not your fault".

What is a good alternative to way to convey "I empathize" to my spouse to show her I care for her troubles without always sounding like I'm apologizing?

This question is very similar to this and somewhat this, however, the answers to those are more targeted at responding to strangers, acquaintances, friends, etc. They are not as relevant for someone I spend a significant amount of time with, and say this to as often as a dozen times a day.

TerekC
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    Try "Oh no, that's really rubbish" or phrases to that effect. – Max Williams Feb 05 '18 at 15:50
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    Have you considered our sister site for [interpersonal.se]? – tchrist Feb 05 '18 at 15:51
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    @MaxWilliams Gotta be careful with that - on first reading, I thought you were being sarcastic. On the other hand, intonation and body language come into play when the phrase is conveyed in person. – Lawrence Feb 05 '18 at 16:03
  • @tchrist I considered it, but I feel the question is more applicable here because I'm primarily looking for better phrasing rather than the related interpersonal aspects of conveying my attitude. – TerekC Feb 05 '18 at 16:11
  • @Lawrence, like this? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nq_A6IYJYu4 – Max Williams Feb 05 '18 at 17:01
  • I usually say something like 'That's a shame' when I wish to empathise with someone close to me. Or, 'That's annoying' or 'They didn't. did they ?' As you rightly say, 'I'm sorry' is not empathetic enough. – Nigel J Feb 05 '18 at 17:03
  • Obligatory xkcd – Patrick M Feb 05 '18 at 22:33
  • You're looking for a way to say "I empathize" to your spouse? The answer is "I empathize". If not then the question seems unclear. – Drew Feb 05 '18 at 22:59
  • Possible duplicate of Better use of the word "sorry" – Edwin Ashworth Feb 05 '18 at 23:30
  • @MaxWilliams quite. :) – Lawrence Feb 05 '18 at 23:58
  • I am not going to vote to close this post as a duplicate because the older question is closed because it lacked research, and there's only two answers with the second one being more of a comment than an answer. – Mari-Lou A Feb 06 '18 at 09:22
  • Do you think they’re being funny or are they a non-native speaker? I’d probably go with it and come back with: “Of course it is, I *told* the professor to put those questions on the exam.” Or whatever it was that was clearly not my fault. – Jim May 07 '18 at 01:27
  • Just an aside: You write that you need to say "I'm sorry" to your spouse to express your empathy "as often as a dozen times a day". That's quite a remarkable statement. You make it sound like everything is going wrong in her / his life. Maybe there's a SE site where you can post the real problem (if you haven't already). – Michael Benjamin May 07 '18 at 03:08
  • Do you mean "empathize" or do you really mean "sympathize" and don't understand the distinction between the two words? Empathy implies you have undergone the same experience. – David May 08 '18 at 21:19
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    @Michael_B Interesting comment, and you're probably right that it warrants further thought on my part. I think it's a combination of her being prone to complaining and perhaps somewhat victimizing of herself, and myself prone to empathizing that leads to me saying it so often. – TerekC May 08 '18 at 21:47
  • @David In my opinion, empathize is placing myself with her in the troubles whereas sympathizing is a more removed attitude of "that's unfortunate but it's not my problem". – TerekC May 08 '18 at 21:48
  • @TerekC — Fine, as long as that is really what you mean. But nowadays it is used by people that are not in a position to do that and feel that and use it as a trendy substitute for sympathize. – David May 08 '18 at 22:40

2 Answers2

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I'm sorry to hear that.

Then you're not apologizing. You're expressing empathy and compassion.

The response: "It's not your fault." doesn't fit anymore.

Even better (especially since it's directed at your spouse):

I'm sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help?

Michael Benjamin
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I have a very sweet auntie who is always very sympathetic.

She will usually just say "Oh, sweetheart" or "Oh, [first name]" to show empathy. If the news is really bad, she will say "Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry."

A lot of it has to do with her tone of voice (descending in pitch). And it's probably the so, but you never feel the "I'm so sorry" is an apology.

JonLarby
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