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I am trying to translate Osamu Dazai's essay 如是我聞(Thus I heard from the Buddha) into English.

The original text belongs to the public domain: http://www.aozora.gr.jp/cards/000035/files/1084_15078.html

You can read about the author here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Osamu_Dazai

You can read parts of my translation here: http://lang-8.com/1483508

Here is a part of my translation:

http://lang-8.com/1483508/journals/9913466692196417769822852313093409740

To tell the truth, I lied to him. I had a girlfriend at that time. I didn't want to leave her. That's why I declined the proposal with a fake reason. I had big troubles with this girl later, but I don't regret my decision. I even think that having troubles together with a poor stupid girl is more difficult and nobler an enterprise than going abroad.

My question is about the following sentences in the above.

I had a girlfriend at that time. I didn't want to leave her.

Someone told me that these should be rewritten as follows.

At that time, I had a girlfriend, whom I didn't want to leave.

I wonder which is better.

Remark The previous paragraph of the above is as follows. http://lang-8.com/1483508/journals/215960620314216056838140082359796270126

Makoto Kato
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    As a native speaker, I don't really see a real difference between the two options. I will say that hardly any native speakers use whom anymore, and instead use who for both the objective and subjective cases. In this case whom is used correctly, just contrary to typical style of native English speakers. – Todd Wilcox May 09 '16 at 00:35
  • Since your question involves translation, why not add the original passage (in Japanese) that is the source of your translated paragraph? There may be some hidden meaning. However, in a storytelling timeline, "At that time" is often used as an introductory phrase. – user3169 May 09 '16 at 02:50
  • having troubles together with a poor stupid girl -- it is not clear what you mean to say by "having troubles together". Are boy and girl united and facing a challenge together, or is each having issues with the other? I think you probably mean the latter, in which case we would not use the word "together". – TimR May 09 '16 at 10:18
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    also more difficult and nobler an enterprise strikes my ear as ungrammatical. – TimR May 09 '16 at 10:20
  • @TRomano "also more difficult and nobler an enterprise strikes my ear as ungrammatical." Interesting. I wonder why no native English speakers corrected it in Lang-8. – Makoto Kato May 10 '16 at 07:25
  • Perhaps because it a different construction (the more x...the more y) it would be grammatical. "The more difficult and nobler an enterprise, the more devoted we should be to it." As it stands, it reads "Having troubles....is more difficult ... an enterprise than...." – TimR May 10 '16 at 11:06
  • @TRomano Here is a quote by Barney G. Glaser(you can google about him). Experts versus Laymen: A Study of the Patsy and the Subcontractor "Thus, as choosing becomes more imminent, the handling of people becomes more pronounced. Handling people at this stage can easily become more difficult a task than comparing, which mostly is a fairly straight forward calculation." – Makoto Kato May 16 '16 at 04:48
  • @Makoto Kato: Unlike your sentence, Glaser's is not complicated by having two comparative adjectives, one of which uses "more" and the other the -er comparative ending. "...more difficult and nobler an enterprise". – TimR May 16 '16 at 12:30
  • @TRomano Would you please elaborate on what is wrong with that? – Makoto Kato May 20 '16 at 10:43
  • @Makoto Kato: To keep that aspect of the question distinct, I suggest you ask it as a a separate question on this site: Is "it is more difficult and nobler an enterprise" ungrammatical? – TimR May 20 '16 at 12:02
  • @TRomano I opened the following thread as you suggested. http://ell.stackexchange.com/questions/90624/is-it-is-more-difficult-and-nobler-an-enterprise-ungrammatical

    Regards,

     – Makoto Kato May 22 '16 at 03:45
  • @TRomano You suggested I ask it as a separate question. I did as I was told and I have been expecting you would answer the question. – Makoto Kato May 24 '16 at 07:21
  • You received a good answer there. Inflectional comparatives (-er ending) are restricted to internal position. "nobler an enterprise" has "nobler" in external position. – TimR May 24 '16 at 09:27

3 Answers3

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I prefer your wording over Someone's alternative. Yours is simpler, more direct, and fits better with the overall tone of the paragraph. If you wanted, you could make it a single sentence by using conjunction:

I had a girlfriend at that time and didn't want to leave her.

Another possible improvement (although improvements, like beauty, are in the eye of the beholder) would be to change at that time to at the time; at the time is a standard adverbial phrase meaning:

at the time at the particular point when something was thought of or done

So, you could also write:

I had a girlfriend at the time and didn't want to leave her.

In this case, though, I'd disregard the advice you're getting from Someone.

J.R.
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To me, "I had a girlfriend, whom I didn't want to leave" sounds awkward. I prefer either your original two-sentence version, J.R.'s rewritten version using "and," or a version without the comma:

At that time, I had a girlfriend who(m) I didn't want to leave.

I'm struggling to figure out why I prefer this. I assume you've heard the general "rule" about using a comma before relative clauses: it is used before "non-defining" relative clauses, but not before "defining" relative clauses.

While it seems logically possible for this to be a non-defining relative clause, it doesn't sound right to my ears. I think it has to do with "a girlfriend" being an indefinite noun on its own.

sumelic
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I don't see any reason to prefer Someone's wording. It seems more ... awkward ... to me. It's not wrong, but your version isn't wrong either.

Jay
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