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I am new at writing and it frustrates me to no end that I cannot describe a scene properly or that I cannot convey my thoughts efficiently to my fingers.

I have been goven advice that its just better to write a shitty sentence first and just come back to it later to improve it - and so i did just that. But for some reason, I am still sitting here for over 20 minutes knowing my sentence is shit but not knowing how to iprove it. Can anyone give me some help?

The sentence:

“I leaned back slightly, my emotions clouded in surprise, relief and guilt. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to compose myself.”

What I want to convey here is the character feeling those 3 emotions all at once then trying to compose himself. “My emotions clouded in...” just feels so wrong. I dont know how to replace it.

NewPokerPlayer132
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  • Welcome to the site! Unfortunately requests for revisions are off topic here. You might check this similar question, both for help with your specific problem, and for a guide on how to ask a question like this in a more general way. https://writing.stackexchange.com/questions/36038/how-can-i-improve-my-sentence-construction-or-flow-in-general-writing – Chris Sunami May 10 '18 at 16:20
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    Welcome to Writing.SE! I'm very sorry, but writing critiques are off-topic here. You may be able to ask for advice in the chatroom, once you've acquired a little rep, but for now I'm voting to put this question on hold. – F1Krazy May 10 '18 at 16:20
  • Welcome! As expected, your question has been closed. But I'll try to help with comments that are more about HOW to write this rather than WHAT to write.

    I think you have a couple of problems here:

    Firstly, you are telling the reader rather than showing them what your character is feeling. If you really want to improve your writing, read some how-to books on showing versus telling. I particularly liked SHOWING AND TELLING IN FICTION by Marcy Kennedy.

     – GGx May 10 '18 at 17:00
  • Without the rest of the scene it’s impossible to tell you how to rework it, and as above, this isn’t the place for ‘what’ to write, it’s a place for ‘how’ to write.

    But I would say, secondly, you’re trying to do too much with two brief sentences:

    He’s leaning back (but only slightly), he’s closing his eyes, taking a deep breath and trying to compose himself. He’s full of emotion, feeling guilty, surprised, and yet relieved. And all those emotions are clouded for some reason. I think you’re struggling because you’re trying to make two sentences do too much work. Take your time.

     – GGx May 10 '18 at 17:00
  • What a character is experiencing doesn’t have to come out all at once. Tease it out over the scene if you can, but for the love of all that is well-written, show it, don’t tell it.

    Whatever has just happened to him, give both your character and your reader time to process it.

    For example, you could:

    Give some thought to what his primary emotion/initial response would be and show only that gut reaction, physically, with a description of movement (action). Then give him a moment to process that surprise with a few thoughts spinning in his head (exposition) that move him towards relief.

     – GGx May 10 '18 at 17:01
  • Then explore that relief with an exchange with another character (dialogue) that forces him away from relief and into guilt. Finally, allow that guilt to creep in slowly with a little more exposition, until he eventually acknowledges that guilt out loud, albeit reluctantly, with a little more dialogue that ‘betrays’ but doesn’t state guilt outright.

    In short, SHOW what the character is feeling by balancing your scene with action, exposition and dialogue that teases out what’s going on in his head, rather than banging the reader over theirs with two short sentences.

     – GGx May 10 '18 at 17:01
  • You’ll probably find each line much easier to write when it isn’t working so hard, and your scene will be much richer for showing instead of telling.

    Good luck!

     – GGx May 10 '18 at 17:02

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