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A quick one for language fortnight.

A few days ago, my girlfriend broke up with me. We were never really right for one another, and I knew it was coming, but of course it still stung a bit. And true to her style, she did it via a series of poorly written text messages. She didn’t really pull any punches, mentioning many things she saw as my character flaws: playing too many video games, considering a trip to Taco Bell a “date”, constantly correcting her grammar and spelling, shaving my chest with her razor, shaving my chest at all, etc.

At first I didn’t know how to respond, but eventually I decided to simultaneously take the high road and the low road. So I sent her this email:

Baby,

I’m sad your leaving.

I can’t believe we ended up here, after what was an wonderful beginning. I know at times things were good and at times they were badly, but I always thought we would make it.

I remember the start. Right when I saw you, I knew you were a people of interest.
Things were great for so long. But now, we all know whom is at fault, so I understand your decision.

The dogs are upset. Sandy just lays down looking sad and misses u. So does Rusty. They makes me feel better at least. I’m glad the shelter gave them to you and I.

I feel nauseous without you—I feel like I could throw up any second—but I understand. This is the way things had to be.

Hears what I want you too do: live your life, be happy, and be goode.

By 4ever,
--Dan

And I smiled smugly to myself. I knew that she would never understand what I was really saying. Do you?

Dan Russell
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1 Answers1

21

The secret message is

hidden in the incorrect spellings and usages.

In the original message

Baby,

I’m sad your* leaving.

I can’t believe we ended up here, after what was an* wonderful beginning. I know at times things were good and at times they were badly*, but I always thought we would make it.

I remember the start. Right when I saw you, I knew you were a people* of interest. Things were great for so long. But now, we all know whom* is at fault, so I understand your decision.

The dogs are upset. Sandy just lays* down looking sad and misses u*. So does Rusty. They makes* me feel better at least. I’m glad the shelter gave them to you and I*.

I feel nauseous* without you—I feel like I could throw up any second—but I understand. This is the way things had to be.

Hears* what I want you too* do: live your life, be happy, and be goode*.

By* 4ever*,
--Dan

Which gives

You're a bad person who lies. You make me nauseated. Here's to good bye forever.

(Thanks to @Patrice for the nauseous/nauseated correction.)

Mike M.
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  • You beat me by a minute. :P I'm guessing there was supposed to be one more "mistake" ... – KeyboardWielder May 29 '16 at 20:24
  • Yeah, I think he accidentally spelled something correctly. :-) It could be a coupla things, though. – Mike M. May 29 '16 at 20:24
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    @mikeM english isn't my native tongue, so i may be wrong, but shouldn't it be 'nauseated' and not nauseous? – Patrice May 29 '16 at 20:34
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    @Patrice: My dictionary lists both as adjectives and synonyms of each other, so both seem to be grammatically correct. – KeyboardWielder May 29 '16 at 20:39
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    @Patrice That's probably what he was going for, but AFAIK, both are acceptable in current usage; like the current use of "comprise", or some other example I can't think of at the moment. :-) – Mike M. May 29 '16 at 20:42
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    Some people argue that "nauseous" should only be used to mean something that provokes nausea and that "nauseated" must be used to mean suffering from nausea. – David Schwartz May 29 '16 at 21:06
  • @MikeM. I'd love to accept your answer, but it just needs a bit of a tweak to satisfy my friend-losing grammar snootiness. Check out Patrice's comment. – Dan Russell May 29 '16 at 23:12
  • @DanRussell Changed. I should've realized that "I feel like I could throw up any second" was a clue that that's what you were going for. Cheers! – Mike M. May 29 '16 at 23:29
  • @MikeM. It was actually quite difficult to make a non-controversial grammar puzzle. Good thing I stayed away from "irregardless" and "literally". – Dan Russell May 29 '16 at 23:35
  • It's really difficult to tell that the I is bolded. Maybe another format would be better? – jpmc26 May 30 '16 at 06:14
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    @jpmc26 How's that? – Mike M. May 30 '16 at 06:27