My 3 year old son sounds incredibly racist, how to handle this?

Question

My 3yo got a book about monkeys for Christmas and he's been all about monkeys for a couple weeks.

Like all kids this age, he talks a lot, and has a wild imagination, but we live in a cosmopolitan city, and to an outsider, he sounds like the worst racist there is, and we have been getting some very annoyed looks.

For example, when in line at the supermarket, he would scream: 'Daddy look, there are monkeys everywhere, imagining them jumping between alleys. Obviously, if you are a black lady just behind us on the line, you would think my son has the worst education.

In the bus, he would hold onto his bags and say stuff like: I'm holding my bag close, so the monkeys don't steal it from me, pointing in a random direction (as the monkeys in his book steal sunglasses as a joke). Obviously, the black teen finding himself at the other end of the finger has no idea...

I don't think a discussion about racism is the way to go, I don't think he's able to understand it all, and it might backfire.

How would you handle that, without making him lose his spontaneous character?

Answer 1

...we live in a cosmopolitan city, and to an outsider, he sounds like the worst racist there is, and we have been getting some very annoyed looks.

I believe it. Especially with the divisiveness and open racism rampant in the US and other countries, and the reckoning with racism after the deaths of two Black men at the hands of Whites, people are more sensitive to racist language even if it isn't meant to be racist, as in the case of your son.

While I wouldn't discuss racism with a 3 year old yet, I would put the word "monkey" on the do-not-say-outside-the-house list without going into too many specifics. You can tell him that some people call other people monkeys in a mean way, like when people call each other "stupid", and that when he says "monkey", some feelings might be hurt, so, just to make sure, don't talk about monkeys outside the house.

Your child may not like it, may not understand, and may slip up. But you do understand, and you know it sounds racist, so you choose: you can explain to every person who hears those words that you're sorry, he got a book about monkeys for Christmas and it's all he talks about, just let him run with it, stop him from making statements about monkeys in public, or get an even more exciting book about a different species of animal and hide the monkey book for now.

Answer 2

My older son saw a wonderful movie about monkeys when he was 3, and then for a while he wanted me to put simple make-up on his face almost every day, to make him look like a monkey. Also I sewed him a brown tail which I attached to his pants with a child-safe safety pin.

I think that if you were to do this with your son, that would make it easier for others to understand that he is monkey-crazy at the moment, and also your son would probably be in seventh heaven.

(The same child also went through a dressing up like a clown phase. And, a special treat was to set him up with a small table mirror and safe Halloween make-up so he could paint his own face. That latter might also work for helping strangers take his behavior in stride.)

Answer 3

The problem isn't the son's imagination, it's you're concern that other's may misinterpret it. I don't think the answer is to shut down your son's imagination or limit his vocabulary, mostly because it's going to be hard to do at that age and you're likely still get plenty of monkey business from you're son (ha ha I'm punny!).

Instead what you want is to make it clear to other's that he is just playing make believe, not making racist claims. That should be simple to get across with your response to him. Play along with him, asking questions and getting his imagination working, but in a way that makes it clear to everyone listening that this is just imaginative play about literal monkeys.

For starters see if you can get him to play around with color of monkeys, does he like pretending their blue monkeys or red monkeys? not every kid will go along with that, but if you can get him to start imagining funny colored monkeys then you can just ask if the monkeys are red, or blue, or pokadot etc and when you're son goes along with making up colors for the imaginary monkeys it will be clear he isn't referring to people of a specific skin color.

Separate from that there are plenty of other ways that you're responses can make it clear this is merely a game of make believe. Some random examples.

"you mean like the monkeys in your book? are they doing (whatever monkeys in his book do)?"

"Is it curious George? where's the man in the yellow hat?"

"What's your monkey's name?"

"Oh no I don't see the monkeys. they are invisible monkeys!"

"The monkey won't steal my bag because he's my pet monkey momo. Do you want to hold him?" (pretending to hand over a monkey to hold)

"Do they look like the monkeys on your shirt?" (obviously presuming he is wearing something with monkeys on it, but if he likes monkeys i'm guessing he does have monkey clothes or monkey stuffed animal)

Any of these responses, and your son's playing along with them, should show anyone listening that this is just make believe. I don't see any reasonable person getting offended about a kid pretend monkey friends.

Answer 4

Your son isn't being racist. He's just a little kid, fascinated by monkeys. If people try to make the connection to racism, that's kind of their problem. It's nothing wrong with your son. Having said that, if make-believe games about monkeys are socially problematic in your community. I'd recomment you simply try to get your child interested in some other animal.

Any discussion about racism I believe would be pointless. The child may think he's been doing something wrong, and he hasn't. Just divert his interests elsewhere.

Answer 5

This isn't your problem and your son isn't doing anything wrong. If people around you immediately jump to the worst assumption of a 3yo, that's on them. Stop worrying about what complete strangers might think of you or your son. You know the truth of what he's doing, and most likely so do the other people who matter in his life right now. You are under no duty to stress as to whether or not he's offending someone. If they are offended that easily, they need help, not you.

Answer 6

At three, nobody's worried about comments like you describe. Yes, "monkey" is used sometimes in racist terms, but it's a normal word for a three year old to use with his imagination. Even if he directly told your black lady in line that she looked like a monkey, I wouldn't expect her to do anything other than laugh; if she did get offended, I'd apologize and explain he'd been reading a book about monkeys.

A year or two older, though, the discussion about racism is 100% appropriate. By around five or six, we had had several conversations about awareness of the impact of language, and about the history of discrimination. Video gaming made this easier - the concept of "difficulty level" is a very nice metaphor - and it's not difficult to talk about racist language simply by adding it to the "avoid these words" pile they already know.

(This is not to say no discussions about racism are appropriate at three. At three, I found the most appropriate discussions were about inclusivity, though; it's a bit too hard to understand the long term things that the child would have to understand to get why normal words can be hurtful.)

Do make sure to have a discussion if he's involving other people who he doesn't know, and he doesn't know want to be included, like in your example with the teen; that's nothing about racism, and all about appropriate boundaries. Playing imaginatively is fine, as long as it's with people who consent, or imaginary people, but he should be aware of who's around him.