How can we get some free time (on daily basis)?

Question

I'm a working dad of a 3 m/o boy. My wife is on a leave and she will be a 'full time mom' for several more months. The newborn changed our lives to an extent that we don't have free time, at all (yeah, that must be a news for all of you in 'already parents' category, right?). Our baby boy needs/wants constant care and physical contact, even while sleeping (otherwise he'll wake up screaming, demanding another round of 'rocking'). When I get back from work I start taking care of him while my wife starts doing chores. Most of the time we have to take shifts to eat or go to the bathroom. At the point I managed to put him to sleep, my wife is already sleeping, I'm near the melt down point and have no more energies to do anything else. If I have some fuel left in me, well, than I have to do my part of chores.

To sum it up, at the end of the day, we feel exausted, miserable and grumpy. In our previous life we had a lot of free time for our hobbies/passions and it's so hard not to 'blame' the kid for it.

Notes:

Grandparents or a nanny are not a viable option.
I said 'blame' just to express the feeling of weariness, we wanted to have a baby and we're doing our best to take care of its needs and putting all our love and energy into it.
The baby is healthy, it just doesn't sleep more than 12h/day (and at night sleeps max 3h before waking up to get breastfed)

Can you suggest some ways to carve out some free time for ourselves during the day (I'm not looking for a full day solution - sure, I can take a day off but it's not a 'long term' solution)?

Possible duplicate: I'm losing it, with a talkative toddler, a colicky baby, chores, work, and lack of sleep — Astor Florida, Jun 30 '18 at 09:18
Obligitory Darius Rucker link: It won't be like this for long — T.E.D., Jun 30 '18 at 19:08
Just to back up what some of the answers say: take it from another father, the three-month point is almost certainly the absolute hardest time. You've been sleep-deprived for months (you may not have even been sleeping that well in the weeks before the baby was born) and it still feels like it's not getting any better. But babies develop in spurts and it really won't be long before the baby is sleeping much longer shifts at night. — Daniel, Jul 02 '18 at 13:54
One thing to remember... your child isn't going to suffer any harm (mental or physical) if you put them down and take 5-10 minutes to gather yourself while they scream in a crib or safe place. You may even want to try this to help them to learn "self soothing" something that yours may be a little young for, but can start down that path to make it easier later. — Ron Beyer, Jul 02 '18 at 20:30

Pascal remembers Monica · Accepted Answer · 2018-06-29T14:13:38.467

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Welcome in the world of exhausted parents! The most important thing first: The great news is while right now you can't really see it, it will get better. What you're going through right now won't last.

Can you suggest some ways to carv out some free time for ourselves during the day

Take turns: You'll have to live with the change the baby brings to your routine. Your activities as a couple will become significantly less frequent (I was about to write "nonexistent" but that might be overdoing it). But that doesn't mean each of you can't take some time off every other day. For example, give each other a free evening once or twice a week. Go drink a beer with a friend, get some more sleep, go running, do something for yourself with that time (maybe just an hour).
Stop sweating the small stuff: Lots of things aren't all that important right now. For example, if the garden grows over because nobody mows it, or if dust collects because you only vacuum half as much as before, or if dirty dishes collect for a day or two before you wash them, it doesn't really matter in the big scheme of things. So drop doing things that aren't absolutely necessary (and I don't mean just household work -- maybe step back your work schedule too if that's possible). It won't be for long -- you can pick up speed again in six months or in a year.
Try introducing feeding your baby with a bottle if you don't already. It might not work, or not reliably, but once it does, feeding becomes independent from having mom present. Also, sometimes formula will satisfy the baby for a bit longer than mother's milk.
Simplify taking care of your baby: With our first baby, we tried to do everything exactly right. We measured the temperature of the bottle with a thermometer. We checked and rechecked and discussed everything we did because we weren't sure it was the right thing to do. Turns out they don't die if you get a few things wrong, as long as you get the important stuff right (never ever shake them in a fit of anger, for example, but don't worry if baby prefers to sleep on it's back, or it's stomach, or in whatever position -- there's no need to put it back in the "right" position every ten minutes, etc). All this fussing took an incessant amount of time. Then our twins came along, and we no longer had the luxury of spending all this time worrying about whether we did things the "right" way. Guess what: They all turned out fine.

But in the end, there is no way around the fact that babies take an incredible amount of time, and some even more than others (our first one was a screamer - he did little besides screaming in his waking hours for the first seven months, took forever to fall asleep and never slept more than two hours at a time). So I'm back to my first sentence: It won't last. You only have to survive a few months, and things will get much easier. In the meantime, you'll grow as a person. At the end of it, you'll pity all the people who never had a baby and still don't understand what it means to be responsible for another human being.

edited Jun 29 '18 at 14:13

answered Jun 29 '18 at 12:26

Pascal remembers Monica

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Tagging onto this to say that as the mother of a 4 month old, you're going to see a HUGE leap in terms of the baby's growth and ability to play and be independent in the next month. Our daughter is just getting to be fun, and we're finding ways to unwind with her. For example, a nightly walk together is part of her bedtime routine, so we get some exercise, get out of the house, and can talk about non baby things as she's too busy looking at the world going by. – Marisa Jun 29 '18 at 13:15
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Also consider hiring a biweekly cleaning service to help keep things in check around the house; we got one before I gave birth, and it took a huge load of stress and time off my back. – Marisa Jun 29 '18 at 13:15
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Especially points 3 and 4 -- I don't think point 1 is feasible for many parents. As @Marisa said, outsource what you can (afford): primarily cleaning, but also groceries and laundry if possible (depends on your location I guess). – KlaymenDK Jun 29 '18 at 14:21
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@Pascal Thank you for your kind words. My wife cares a lot about the house so I believe we'll try a housekeeper + 'take turns' combo. We're still in a 'want everything perfect' phase but we have to loosen up a bit :) – ThinkTank Jun 29 '18 at 14:29
@Marisa Thanks, I hope you're right about a leap :). Yeah, I think a cleaning service is going to be money well spent – ThinkTank Jun 29 '18 at 14:29
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@KlaymenDK: Regarding point 1, I thought so too when we had our first child. Then came the twins when our oldest was not quite 2 yet, and the miracle happened and we had time to take care of all 3 of them. Then number 4 came along a few years later and again, enough time to keep them all alive. For me, that means that Parkinson's law also applies to babies: The work you have with a baby expands to fill all available time. So try to consciously reserve a free hour now and then. – Pascal remembers Monica Jun 29 '18 at 14:29
@KlaymenDK We already partially outsource laundry, unfortunately we can't do it for the groceries (it would be a real blessing though). – ThinkTank Jun 29 '18 at 14:34
@ThinkTank: You're welcome, and hang in there. My answer assumed you don't have much financial resources to spend because of the nanny not being an option, but if you do, there's another way to get some time off: Put the baby in day care for one afternoon per week. That might be difficult because of the availability of free slots and waiting lists (so by the time you get a slot, you might not need it any more), but if there are day care centers where you live, it might not hurt to ask... – Pascal remembers Monica Jun 29 '18 at 14:41
@Pascal Actually we could afford it, it's just that we're still in a bit anxious mood ('nobody can take care of our baby better than we do' :) – ThinkTank Jun 29 '18 at 14:50
Point 4 is good, but I feel the need to point out that in our "new parent" classes (~3 years ago) we were told, forcefully and unequivocally, that the baby must sleep on its back. – Tin Wizard Jun 29 '18 at 20:00
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@Walt in the new parent classes I've taken, they say that is an outdated way of thinking. The big thing is to make sure there is nothing that can wrap around their face (blankets, sheets, certain clothes, etc). Opinions on stuff like that seem to change every couple weeks. – user32494 Jun 29 '18 at 20:10
@Walt: Yes, we were taught the same thing. It supposedly reduces the risk of SIDS by a measurable factor (how large depends on the sources you trust). But that's exactly what I mean: We wanted to do everything the right way. When our son wanted to sleep on his stomach and knees, with his butt sticking up in the air (really!), we worried and put him on his back again. We also worried about a ton of other things, which, looking back, are really rather ridiculous. The risk of an infant dying from SIDS in the US is about 1 in 1000, and and risk reduction strategies are based on correlations only. – Pascal remembers Monica Jun 29 '18 at 20:32
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The only part of this answer I disagree with is about using baby formula. Most powdered baby formula is utterly disgusting. Try it yourself before you give it to your baby. (My son was fed on breast milk and home-made barley formula for babies; he was a month premature but is now big for his age (5) and very strong. Similac just made him cry; we switched after a couple months and he slept much better and was less fussy.) – Wildcard Jun 29 '18 at 21:46
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Babies sleeping with their butts in the air is normal. Weird, but normal. And the idea is that if you put them to sleep on their back, once they can roll over by themselves, they're less at risk of SIDS. But up until they can, the AAP still recommends putting babies to sleep on their backs. You're right, they don't know why SIDS happens, but they do know that putting babies to sleep on their stomachs is correlated with a said baby dying of SIDS. Yes, the risk is small, but if you're one of the unlucky ones, wouldn't you much rather not have done something known to correlate with SIDS? – Kevin McKenzie Jun 30 '18 at 02:12
@Marisa biweekly as in "appearing or taking place every two weeks" or as in "appearing or taking place twice a week"? – David Mulder Jun 30 '18 at 12:48
@ThinkTank I know you say you can't outsource groceries. I'm not sure where you live, but grocery stores are beginning to offer free or cheap pickup and delivery. For example, I live in the Midwest US. Here, the local grocery chain will deliver for free if the order is large enough, otherwise I believe it costs $5. The big blue chain also now offers free grocery pickup in my area. We have used these to save on shopping time. Instead of packing the kids in the car and wandering the aisles, we order online while they're napping and then one of us picks it up on the way home from work. – kuhl Jul 01 '18 at 02:31
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As SIDS was discussed: We also tried hard to get our first to sleep on his back, which he thoroughly and vehemently disliked. In our sleep-deprived state, we didn’t realize that if both parents prefer to sleep on their tummy, there might be a hereditary preference... We ultimately decided to minimize the risk by eliminating all other risk factors and thus lower the total risk to a (for us) acceptable level. Was the same for no. 2 - we tried it, failed and gave up (sooner this time). Raising a baby also means to learn what your individual child needs. – Stephie Jul 01 '18 at 07:29
I disagree strongly with the suggestion of formula. It is much less healthy than breastmilk in ways that go far beyond simple nutrition. You would be paying a lot more for a vastly inferior product. Bottled breastmilk (pumped by the mom, not bought from other people) could work and would be much better, but even that would be missing some health benefits that come from nursing directly at the source. – Douglas Jul 02 '18 at 19:12
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@Douglas: Sure. I know about the officially right way to feed babies. Do all the pumping you can. Feed them breast-milk for as long as you want to. My point is that if you can also feed the baby from a bottle, mom gets a rest, and at least in our case, formula made our babies sleep for a bit longer, giving us both a bit more rest. We fed our first baby mostly mother's milk for a long time. Babies fed on mother's milk are supposed to develop less allergies later on, for example. We used more formula with the twins. Care to guess who has allergies now, and who doesn't? – Pascal remembers Monica Jul 02 '18 at 19:30
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@Douglas There is NO scientific evidence that formula is less healthy than breast milk. Formula-fed babies may be more likely to pick up minor infections, but nobody knows why - could easily be because of careless preparation. Expressing milk is not in mother's (or baby's) interest if she's already at breaking point; it can be exhausting and degrading. However she wants to feed: breast, pumping, formula, all are just as good health wise. What will impact negatively on her baby's health is if she is so emotionally beat down by something she feels she 'has' to do she can't bond with him. – Kami Jul 04 '18 at 02:30
@DavidMulder Every two weeks. – Marisa Jul 05 '18 at 12:47

score 18 · Answer 2 · answered Jun 29 '18 at 12:15

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As a parent of 3 kids, now ranging from 12 to nearly 18, I can tell you - you will not get time for your hobbies/passions for some years!

Family, friends or babysitters are essential if you want to make time for each other/yourselves, but even those will really only help you relax in the first couple of years.

Getting a good chunk of time requires your children to be old enough that they can go to sleepovers, weekend camps, stay with their grandparents for the weekend etc.

Or... take up some different hobbies in the interim, that you can do whilst holding a sleeping child, for example, or that the child can be part of. Like painting, macrame, etc.

You will get time back eventually, but for now - your baby is fully dependent on you, so you don't have that freedom.

answered Jun 29 '18 at 12:15

Rory Alsop

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I hope we'll get some free time back, at least to stay in front of a PC/Kindle/tablet, I'm not talking about outdoor activities - couldn't hope for that much :) – ThinkTank Jun 29 '18 at 14:37
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You'll get that easily. I worked on my laptop with a 6 month old tucked in the crook of my arm. One handed typing is slow but easy. – Rory Alsop Jun 29 '18 at 16:44
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@RoryAlsop: Sounds very familiar to me. I still do that years later with my youngest daughter sometimes. She likes just being close and often falls asleep on my lap on lazy days. – Pascal remembers Monica Jun 29 '18 at 17:59

score 12 · Answer 3 · 2018-06-30T13:05:09.373

I'm also in the thick of it right now (6 week old) and there are some strategies my husband and I use that really help that I haven't seen mentioned:

Do stuff while breastfeeding

I spend a HUGE amount of time feeding. So I have a breastfeeding setup with cushions, etc, that help me to feed with hands free, or at least with one hand free. I have a boppy pillow which helps a lot. (I sewed my own with a free pattern online). During this time I read, watch movies/TV, play PC games and listen to podcasts. All of the "free time" stuff that can be done sitting with one hand I save for my feeding time. This is also super useful if your baby is inconsolable and wants to use you as a pacifier. I can leave her at my breast for half an hour and not feel the time go by.

Cook in advance

Any stuff I make, I make double. Instead of making dinner for tonight, I make dinner for 2+ nights. It's a bit boring but it means I don't have to spend as much time cooking and washing up afterwards. Also, crockpot recipes are amazing.

Babywear

I have a baby wrap that's just a long stretchy piece of fabric I use to carry our daughter. It takes a bit of practice to get right but she loves it and easily falls asleep in it and I can get a bit more done. I usually wear her while sorting laundry and tidying up a bit. I don't really cook in it or wash dishes though.

One day a week, don't do chores

I have found that if I try to get most stuff done on the other days, and cook in advance, I can fit in one day a week of 'me time' in the evening when I do stuff for me that I can't do while feeding her.

Do stuff together

I know that it feels like you have NO TIME but my husband and I try to watch a TV show together for half an hour in the evening while I'm feeding her. It is a team activity and helps us to feel a bit more sane. We also try to walk (my husband carries our daughter in the wrap) and that helps her sleep and we get to talk. We don't get to do it very often (once a week on a Sunday usually).

Check that you're not keeping your baby up too long

A 3 month old shouldn't be awake for longer than 2 hours between naps. If he's up for longer than that he'll be cranky and overtired. With my daughter I watch my cues for tired (rubbing eyes, yawning) and get her sleeping as soon as possible after that.

I think this is really a useful answer! My son is 2 now but he too was a sleepless baby and some of the tips you suggest worked well for us. Especially +1 for the baby wearing, it allowed me to keep doing chores or go for a walk while taking care of him. He was calmer and more relaxed in the wrap, too. — cecilian - MonicaWasMistreated, Jul 27 '21 at 15:37

score 7 · Answer 4 · edited Jun 29 '18 at 12:51

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I agreed with Rory, family and friends are essential if you can't afford a babysitter. The only time me and my wife sleep fully is when her mother takes care of our baby and we go to another room to sleep.

But we do a few more things at home when we are alone:

Shortcuts to my wife when I am working: We make food for all the week in one time, and put that in the refrigerator, this way she has lunch for the whole week only by using the microwave.

My baby is on formula, so I fill all the bottles with water and buy a recipient that has compartments wherein I can fill the formula already measured, so it's fast.

She can also buy a sling or baby-carrier, if the baby is awake, she carries him around the house to make something, that will unload both of you later.

When I come from work: We finish all the baby and our final routines, we do bathe him, we eat dinner, brush our teeth, so when the night comes, as soon as he falls asleep, we go rushing to our bed.

We try our best to make a big routine after I come from work, we believe this helps him falling asleep.

And about the house, we change to a very organized home, form something like, we do what we can, if we can, our focus is the baby and us at this stage of our lives.

edited Jun 29 '18 at 12:51

Anne Daunted GoFundMonica

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answered Jun 29 '18 at 12:30

CF13

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+1 for "when the night comes, as soon as he falls asleep, we go rushing to our bed". We did the same, especially me (the mom) as I was also breastfeeding in the night. I took full advantage of the 8pm to 11pm (sometimes 1am) sleep, it helped tremendously. – iulia Jun 29 '18 at 14:22
We have a sling suitable for him and we use it sometimes but he rarely wants to stay in it. As for the 'go to sleep as soon as he does', I'm personally not used to go to bed before midnight - when I tried it I ended up staring in the dark, tired and awake. – ThinkTank Jun 29 '18 at 14:43
@ThinkTank - that just means you're nowhere near tired enough yet :-) But it's actually an advantage: It means your wife can get some sleep until midnight. That's how we dealt with our first one: She went to bed at 8 pm and I looked after him until 2 am, and she took over while I went to sleep where I couldn't hear any crying or screaming. – Pascal remembers Monica Jun 29 '18 at 14:48
@Pascal The only catch with this is that with the breastfeeding he wakes up every 3 hours. With the bottle the things got way better (he slept even 5h straight) but than the day after he was clogged up and couldn't poo for days (with mom's milk he did it even few times a day). – ThinkTank Jun 29 '18 at 14:56
@Pascal Hehe, you might be right :) Actually, I'm more worried about my wife's sleep, I got used to 4-5h of total sleep/day. – ThinkTank Jun 29 '18 at 15:02

score 5 · Answer 5 · answered Jun 30 '18 at 07:53

Just to add to the existing answers: consider getting a baby sling.

A good baby sling will free both of your hands when the baby is awake and able to hold its head (which should come soon if yours doesn't already). So instead of needing to cater to the baby and then doing stuff, you end up being able to do both at the same time with the baby happily watching what you're up to. That frees up lots of time.

As a bonus, keep in mind that kids learn to participate at doing stuff in the house as toddlers. If you're not actively showing and making them participate in household chores from the get go, you're setting yourself up to have a kid that will only participate in chores if asked.

score 4 · Answer 6 · answered Jul 02 '18 at 05:48

One thing that nobody else has mentioned yet that worked great for me is to get a baby swing. I found that I could put my baby in here and it would rock him to sleep and keep him asleep almost as well as I could, meaning I actually had a bit of down time.

score 0 · Answer 7 · answered Jul 22 '21 at 12:59

First, I love love love that you care and are so aware how important you relationship is! Especially during these hard times. Second, so much of baby responsibility falls on mommy, the fact that you want to take action on this is amazing! And will be well received that you are the “planner” / “ initiator”.
I have a few suggestions: Please share with her how much you care and that you are going to experiment with some ideas and that you’d love her to have an open mind as well as share her thoughts and opinions.
Church- our church had child care services during service . And a coffee shop. That could be a nice weekly “quality date” End of night - maybe about 8pm, turn off the tv, light a candle, serve up two cups of tea and just cuddle and share a story. Even if baby is there you can still have the right environment. Maybe it’s the new nighttime ritual Morning- it’s probably not the best time right now. But maybe make the coffees and sit at the kitchen counter for 30 min. Maybe start and ongoing crossword puzzle or jigsaw puzzle.
After dinner walk- put baby in the stroller and take a walk with mommy. Enjoy the outdoors. Listen to a podcast together while walking.
Taco Tuesday- maybe have little weekly themes as something to look forward to. Uber eats from different Mexican restaurants on Tuesday I hope this starts your creative juices. It’s really tough. But you can do hard things. Good luck.

score 0 · Answer 8 · answered Jul 23 '21 at 18:59

This sounds exactly like our experience with our first child --I think it's pretty universal. As other answers have said, it helps to know this isn't permanent. It seems like forever, but it isn't. And in fact, it will start to get better very soon.

A lot of what makes it so tough is psychological --stress and worry and emotional exhaustion. I know this only because our second child was SO much easier. We didn't worry so much, so it wasn't as exhausting. So, one thing to try to do is just don't stress as much. You don't have to do everything perfectly. Make sure you are supportive of each other, not judgemental. That especially goes for you as the husband. Be nothing but completely supportive of your wife, even if you don't always agree.

You aren't both going to be able to take breaks at the same time for a while --that's just a reality. So come up with a schedule and block off at least one hour a day for each of you to take a REAL break. There were entire years where my wife and I alternated spending evenings out of the house --being alone together was a rare and cherished treat.

With that said, it's crucial to keep your bond as spouses tight. A solid marriage makes for happy children. Try to find "together" activities the two of you can do with the child there. As others have mentioned, finding ways to "wear" the baby might help you satisfy his desire for physical closeness while still allowing you to get other things done.

How can we get some free time (on daily basis)?

8 Answers8