9

I have a 16 year old I am raising...I am 29 and have a 7 year old son. She is my baby cousin...her dad had a stroke and is being taken care of by family in another state. Her mother abandoned her with me to go be with a boyfriend in another state. She has been with me since she was 11.

Since that age she has been acting out. Nonstop boyfriends and lying about them. Last year, she was spending the night at her "best friends" house...who turned out to be a boy of course. She made a fake phone number to pretend to be the parent of said boy so I was texting her instead of a real parent.

This year, she stole the car and wrecked it. Lied about what happened until I investigated and found broken glass, etc. in the driveway.

I've grounded her numerous times, taken away her cell phone, etc. NOTHING IS WORKING. I'm 29...I'm at my wits end. No one else in the family is willing to take her in because of all the issues she has. I know it all stems from being abandoned and from having a bad mom...I've tried so very hard to provide her everything she needs...a nurturing environment and also assuring her that I would never abandon her like her mother did. I try to be loving, caring, etc. I don't know what else I can do...

EDIT: It wasn't just her also who came to stay with me...it was her and her brother who is now 18 and out of the house. He acted out also with drugs and lying but improved his behavior, graduated and got a job. He's doing well. Nothing I do is helping with the girl.

My question is what can I do to get her to stop lying? She lies even when she knows I know the truth. How do I get through to her? What do I need to do besides the usual things like talking, taking away things, grounding, etc.

Elizabeth
  • 91
  • 4
  • She's seen her father suffer a life-changing stroke that has left him requiring care and then watched her mother abandon both her and her unwell father for some random bloke in another state. That's some pretty heavy stuff for anyone to go through, never mind an 11-year-old. Has she had any formal psychiatric help in dealing with what she's had to go through? If this behaviour started almost immediately then it strikes me that it's probably a cry for help - and it seems to be being met with punishment rather than support. – JonK Dec 07 '16 at 16:54
  • 1
    She's talked to a school counselor on a weekly basis since then...I can't really afford a therapist. Also, since her mother never legally signed her over to me...I don't have insurance on her to maybe help if they would even cover that. I've tried to sign up for assistance but since she's not legally "mine" they wouldn't help for medicare. – Elizabeth Dec 07 '16 at 17:05
  • I've tried all I can to be supportive...at first I thought the same thing. She's acting out because of all that has happened to her. I talk to her all the time, I try to communicate and understand what she's feeling, etc. I've gone the no punishment route too...just talking and asking why. I've tried everything. – Elizabeth Dec 07 '16 at 17:09
  • 2
    I am not sure about custody where you are, but it seems to me (and I don't KNOW) that it is in the interest of Child Services and the rest of the family if she stays in your care. There is usually medical and financial help given (to varying degrees) for fostering or family custody. A good friend of mine who raises her granddaughter because her own daughter is a drug addict, gets help -- a therapist and money for classes and activities. In Canada, she also gets Family Allowance. So this is a comment and not an answer because I lack information -- where you are and if your custody is legal. – WRX Dec 07 '16 at 17:14
  • 1
    Her mother never signed her over to me so she's not legally mine. I'm in Tennesee. – Elizabeth Dec 07 '16 at 17:17
  • 1
    I'm not familiar with the US system, here in the UK the psychiatric help would be by referral from a GP and free. Maybe consider getting some legal advice from a professional on what you could potentially do to get her the help that she needs. Have you tried contacting her mother and asking her to sign her daughter over to your care? – JonK Dec 07 '16 at 17:17
  • 2
    @Elizabeth do you have any reason to believe that you would not get custody if you attempted to get it? Legal Aid might be of help if it is too expensive to get a lawyer. From my own pov, custody would tell the 16 y/o that you are concerned, you do care and if you are awarded custody -- actually in charge. – WRX Dec 07 '16 at 17:26
  • Yes I have. Nothing. I've talked to child services...they won't terminate her rights without her signing, even though its been 5 years and she abandoned both her kids. – Elizabeth Dec 07 '16 at 17:30
  • Legally, I don't know why they won't help me. I have to get a lawyer, etc. to fight for it and thats just money I don't have. – Elizabeth Dec 07 '16 at 17:31
  • Also, no reason why I believe they wouldn't give me custody. – Elizabeth Dec 07 '16 at 17:31
  • My heart goes out to you. I have zero experience in this area and can truthfully think of nothing positive that might help. I am not sure she has to terminate her rights for you to be the kid's guardian -- but honestly, I do not know anything. I hope someone else here has a clue. – WRX Dec 07 '16 at 19:49
  • You've given us a fair amount of background, but what is it exactly that you're asking? "I don't know what to do anymore" isn't a question. We would like to help; but this isn't a forum (with which you might be more familiar) but a Q&A site. If you could please edit your post to narrow the focus and include an answerable question, we might be able to give you helpful answers. Thanks! – anongoodnurse Dec 07 '16 at 21:27
  • I'm sorry, I guess I was pretty vague. My question is what can I do to get her to stop lying? She lies even when she knows I know the truth. How do I get through to her? What do I need to do when she does these things? Besides the usual things like talking, taking away things, grounding, etc. – Elizabeth Dec 07 '16 at 21:38
  • @Elizabeth, edit your question at the top of this and some will try to help. – WRX Dec 07 '16 at 23:00
  • Thanks @WillowRex...I've never been on here so wasn't really sure. Edited the top and the description. – Elizabeth Dec 07 '16 at 23:08
  • @anongoodnurse Not sure about that edit. I think the part of describing the sneaky part is valuable information. – Hatted Rooster Dec 08 '16 at 14:00
  • @Gill Bates - there's still a lot of sneaky behavior in the question. The question needed focus. – anongoodnurse Dec 08 '16 at 14:04
  • 2
    @JonK CYPS / CAMHS are currently under considerable pressure, and it's unlikely OP's child would get a referral, or would have to wait many months for a referral. There are 3d sector orgs who might help. Winstone's Wish help children who are bereaved, for example. TIC+ might also help. –  Dec 08 '16 at 14:52

1 Answers1

5

I have not had this particular problem with my kid but have had a minor version it with a few students and parents of students. If I thought a person was lying, I'd ask them to send me a note or an email, so that I'd have their information in their own words. Perhaps your 16 y/o might be reluctant to write down a lie. Most people are concerned with that. If she won't write it, you write with her standing there -- try not to change any of her words. "Kid's name said: I did not go out with my boyfriend." Date it and ask her to sign it. Usually a person won't sign a lie. If she does sign it, post it on the wall or fridge. I'm guessing the lies will wear on her and she'll slow, if not stop.

I am definitely no expert on this. My students were special needs and could not lie to save their lives and that is where most of my experience comes from.

I suggested this to a friend but she posted the 'lies' on social media. Please do not do that. Shaming will not work and breaks all chances (IMO) to build a bridge between you. Keep it in the immediate family.

WRX
  • 17,449
  • 3
  • 39
  • 71