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My kid is 8 yrs old. This morning he asked me, "Mummy, you told me if a girl hits you don't strike her back. Should I continue to get hittings from her just because she's a girl?"

I was unable to answer his question, but still I managed to tell him that when any girl does that just hold her hand tightly and then he asked, "If she strikes from behind and bullies me then what should I do?"

Is there a recommended solution or set of actions?

paradigmBreaking
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Priyadarshni
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5 Answers5

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As a martial arts instructor, I regularly deal with people who have been taught that defending oneself physically from a physical attack was a bad thing. They end up in my classes because other bad things happened to them, because they waited too long to defend themselves physically.

The problem is that the people teaching them failed to recognize the difference between retaliation and self defence. Retaliation says "You hit me so I'm going to hit you, an eye for an eye". Self defence says "I'm responsible for my own safety, so if you attack I will end the threat".

School anti-bullying policies are great in theory, but largely unenforceable (not getting on that soap box right now), and the high-dollar anti-bullying education industry ( http://www.blueprintsprograms.com/program-costs/olweus-bullying-prevention-program ) that has grown up around them has had, at best, "a statistically significant but practically non-existent impact" (sorry, cant find the original reference, but this one is consistent: http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0734016807311712 ).

Every year in the united states, 1 to 3 children dies as a result of injuries sustained in a bullying incident (usually due to head injuries). The refrain you hear from their parents is along the lines of "we taught him/her to walk away and never retaliate".

What they don't realize (until it is too late) is that they have trained their kids to be ideal victims.

When the child is alone, he is the person most responsible for his safety. If someone attacks him physically, he should respond with enough force to end the confrontation decisively, ideally without causing any permanent damage, but with his own safety being the first and foremost thought.

Bullying usually involves a group of attackers (not a single attacker). In a multi-attacker scenario there is no such thing as excessive force until you are down to the last attacker. At that point, the intended target should disengage as soon as the perpetrator stops attacking.

For further reading (yes, they're cherry picked studies, most agree more research is needed):

http://www.cyberbullyhotline.com/blog/ut-arlington-study-anti-bullying-programs-in-schools/

http://njbullying.org/documents/smith04B.pdf

http://ethos.bl.uk/OrderDetails.do?uin=uk.bl.ethos.575078

https://www.uta.edu/news/releases/2013/09/jeong-bullying.php

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resilience-bullying/201208/south-park-exposes-hypocrisy-anti-bully-industry

https://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2015/02/the-bully-business/385169/

http://www.newsweek.com/booming-anti-bullying-industry-73805

pojo-guy
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    +1 for making the vital distinction between retaliation and defense. I am not certain this lesson will translate well to 8-year-olds without a good martial arts instructor giving a practical and personal lesson, however. – Wildcard Jul 18 '17 at 00:26
  • Regarding the soap box you avoided ;) I'll note that human rights education has had decent success in reducing bullying; e.g. a 14% drop in school bullying incidents in Japan in 2009. But that's far from a 100% drop, so your point about self-defense still stands. – Wildcard Jul 18 '17 at 00:31
  • Metastudies in the USA (I'll dig out the journal reference later) found few verifiable metrics, with the most effective systems they could find verifiable data for having 1 to 1.5% impact. Another issue that is not addressed is under reporting - school policies are based on reports, and there is negative incentive for schools to report. – pojo-guy Jul 18 '17 at 00:47
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    Please add a citation for the lack of effectiveness of anti-bullying campaigns: "...the multi-billion dollar anti-bullying education industry... has had, at best, 'a statistically significant but practically non-existent impact'." Thanks. – anongoodnurse Jul 18 '17 at 01:35
  • +1 To the point and has data. Could be improved by making a distinction between male/female attackers on a male target, as that is what it seems the asker really wants in addition to how to respond. –  Jul 18 '17 at 12:22
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    I did miss that point. In self defence, gender is only a minor tactical consideration. When you move to the realm of self defence, you've already determined that there is a real danger, and your own safety is your primary consideration. – pojo-guy Jul 18 '17 at 12:31
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    @Wildcard We have to agree that education in Japan is no metric for education in the USA. What works for their culture is completely different of what works for Americans. – T. Sar Jul 18 '17 at 16:54
  • @T.Sar not entirely sure I agree with that, but certainly the intensity of the bullying in Japanese schools has been far worse than in the USA, which is mild by comparison. – Wildcard Jul 18 '17 at 16:57
  • Another distinction I find useful is the difference between what my teacher calls "reacting," acting after their action, vs. responding to their action as they do it. I find many of the anti-bullying arguments are interesting in those reactionary situations (as in they could go either way), but they all fall away when reacting to a threat. I have found the distinction useful for overcoming "anti-physical-response" arguments. – Cort Ammon Jul 19 '17 at 01:38
  • All I had to do one time was point at my daughter's art teacher, who was being victimized by the school superintendent, and all the teachers knew it. If the pat responses didn't work for her, how could they expect them to work for the kids? And how could they in good faith pass the same advice on to the kids? – pojo-guy Jul 19 '17 at 02:09
  • @Physics-Compute - I would have flagged, but this is fine. Thanks for the info. – anongoodnurse Jul 20 '17 at 02:16
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Physically retaliating is never a suitable response, as you and your son realise. I think if this is happening at school perhaps it might be time to involve the teachers. Your son should certainly not have to put up with this.

user1751825
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  • If this is happening at school then definitely talk to them. The school should have an anti-bullying policy, which you should ask to see if you don't immediately get a supportive response. – Paul Johnson Feb 15 '16 at 18:58
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    I would like to add: There should be no difference whether it is a boy or girl that hits. – Ida Feb 16 '16 at 21:13
  • @Ida Yes, that is an important point to make. – user1751825 Feb 17 '16 at 00:03
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    There are most certainly times when a physical response is the suitable response - saying never is naive. You can improve this answer by describing where the line is for you personally. –  Jul 19 '17 at 00:44
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    @Physics-Compute Self-defence and retaliation are different things. Physically defending yourself is obviously ok, but physical retaliation is not. – user1751825 Jul 20 '17 at 04:07
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    "Physically retaliating is never a suitable response" is such a polarizing stance and I disagree. – SomeShinyObject Jul 20 '17 at 11:39
  • @SomeShinyObject I'm curious... Excluding self-defence, when would physical retaliation be appropriate? – user1751825 Jul 20 '17 at 14:56
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    When failure to retaliate invites repetition of abuse, and the peaceful alternatives have been exhausted, it is apprpriate. But then it's still self defense, just on a strategic scale instead of tactical. – pojo-guy Jul 20 '17 at 20:07
  • @pojo-guy Physical retaliation will just get the son expelled. How is that any kind of suitable solution? If there is no other way to solve this, then better to just change schools voluntarily. – user1751825 Jun 01 '18 at 09:01
  • @user1751825 See my full answer (above). Sadly, school policies are intended to protect everyone, but designed to protect the bullies more than the victims. As far as expelled versus injured or killed, I'll take expelled. – pojo-guy Jun 01 '18 at 10:44
  • @pojo-guy Retaliation isn't the same thing as self defence. He can protect himself without hitting her. Back to the original question, I don't think it sounds like he's in danger of being injured or killed. – user1751825 Jun 01 '18 at 21:52
  • I agree that retaliation and self defence aren't the same thing (again, see my full response above). However, failure to respond to the behavior proportionately reinforces both the willing victim and bullying behaviors. Teachers are effectively handcuffed by the "anitbullying" policies, so we have to go under the working assumption htat the kid is on his own. I am not there in person, so I cannot say whether he would be able to end the threat without engaging in a physical altercation. ... – pojo-guy Jun 01 '18 at 22:13
  • I have learned to trust kids' judgement most of the time, then check up if anything happens. They're young, not stupid. I could suggest alternatives to punching - a good solid block can be as effective as a punch. Most 8 year olds, even with training, would not be able to pull off an aikijutsu style trap and joint lock under the pressure of the moment. However, a hip toss or body slam would work because they are full body actions, but increase the risk to both altercants, and either would most likely end up in a wrestling match, going to a ground and pound scenario. Do you have alternatives? – pojo-guy Jun 01 '18 at 22:20
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IMO parents really need to stop telling their boys that they cannot defend themselves against girls. It's clearly unrealistic and that you cannot explain what should be done in that given situation proves it.

People have the absolute right to defend themselves, they have the moral and legal right to hit someone, regardless of gender, race, or any other physical difference, if that is what they need to do in order to protect themselves from imminent physical aggression.

I've always told me son that he doesn't have to let anyone hit him and that if he has to defend himself and that should it happen I will ALWAYS back him up and support him.

user1450877
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  • Walking away is almost always a better option. – user1751825 Jun 01 '18 at 22:23
  • With domestic violence against women at epidemic levels, your advice doesn't seem particularly relevant. – user1751825 Jun 01 '18 at 22:27
  • @user1751825 Walking away works when it works. Unfortunately, kids in school don't have that option. Under today's policies, no matter what, the victim is going to be victimized again, whether by the original attacker or by the system. They might as well put an end to the physical threat. – pojo-guy Jun 06 '18 at 04:43
  • @pojo-guy There will always be more bullies. It's not possible to beat-up all of them. The worst bullies are usually also victims of bullies themselves, people who thought that they could fix aggression, with more aggression. – user1751825 Jun 06 '18 at 07:56
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    @user1751825 unfortunately, the myth that the worst bullies are usually victims of bullying themselves had been thoroughly debunked along with the idea that they bully because of low self-esteem. . The worst bullies have higher than normal self esteem, in part because of their dominant role in relationships in general. – pojo-guy Jun 06 '18 at 11:03
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    @user1751825 the motivation of the person attacking you is irrelevant, it does not negate your right to defend yourself. – user1450877 Jun 06 '18 at 11:40
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Speak to the parents of the girl. Speak to the principal and the teachers.

You are right about telling him not to respond by hitting back ( not only at girls though ).

Most of the times though it will make the kid look weak, since he wont know how else to respond, and just passivly accept it. This will encourage the bullies.

He can very well reason with them, or in a decisive way say "cut it off !".

Sofia M.
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It is always acceptable to use whatever tools you have available in order to protect yourself, but there ought to be an order to them/a set of circumstances that trigger them. The basic tools of self-defense are 1) words 2) appeal to a higher authority 3) physical force. If you are being attacked in such a way that you are likely to suffer permanent damage, then it is appropriate to skip directly to physical force to end the threat as quickly as possible. HOWEVER, in the case of your son, it is likely that the girl who is hitting him is not very able to inflict serious harm on him, so steps 1 and 2 should be tried first.

So. Next time this girl starts hitting him, he should say to her, "it is not ok for you to hit me, and I would like you to stop." If she does not stop, he can continue, "if you can't stop by yourself, then I will have to stop you." If she still continues, your son should next appeal to a higher authority, in this case his teacher. He can say to the teacher, "(name) has been hitting me, and I have asked her to stop, but she won't do it. Can you help me with this?" If the girl still does not stop hitting him after the teacher has taken whatever actions he/she chooses to take, then the next time the girl hits him, your son should show her that he is willing and able to defend himself, and that it has been his restraint as a respectful person, and not his weakness, that has allowed her to exercise this behavior towards him.

This advice, again, is for the situation in which she is not seriously hurting him. If she is - for example trying to push him off high places on the play structure, or hitting him in such a way that he is bruising or bleeding, he should not let her do this. In such a case he must hit her back. If she is big and strong enough that he can't make her stop through physical force, then he needs to fight back at least enough to be able to get away and get to a teacher. It is possible that your son will get in trouble with the school for hitting the girl back, even if they know the situation, but if that happens it is important that you stand by him and support his right to defend himself.

I would give identical advice if your son were being bullied by a boy. If the bully is not a serious threat, then words first. If he/she is, stop the threat first, and go from there.

MAA
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  • It's a long long time ago, but I remember one girl at school who wouldnt hit, but bite. Until one boy punched her right in the face, hard, after being bitten. Strange enough, the biting stopped. – gnasher729 Jul 24 '17 at 20:14