How do I tell my father-in-law that I don't feel comfortable kissing as a greeting?

Question

I grew up in a family that usually hugs to say hello after not seeing each other for a while. I don't feel comfortable kissing anyone apart from my husband.

After we got married, my father-in-law started kissing to say hello. This didn't really happen before. It stresses me out every time we go to visit and I really don't like it at all. My husband doesn't really think it is a big issue at all.

How do I go about communicating that I don't want to kiss to say hello? We are quite good friends otherwise and I don't really want to make a big issue about it and make problems in the family. I am not very good at social interactions and don't know how to approach the situation.

Answer 1

The type of greeting between two people has to be initiated from both sides. I am particularly awkward when it comes to greetings and good-byes and it tends to be that I am trying to work out what the other person is going to do and then I return the gesture. However, this can result in an embarrassing situation - accidentally going for a kiss on the wrong cheek, hugging too much or too little etc. I find the more I am self conscious of it, the worse it can be.

If I am greeting someone who I've met a few times and I can tell they have a similar problem, I find it can help to make a positive approach to the greeting to make it clear what type of greeting I feel comfortable with. For example, after one awkward kissing greeting with a particular acquaintance, the next time, I held out my hand to shake instead. The awkwardness of the previous greeting was not the other person's fault but I felt that until I am more comfortable with that person, and can read their intended greeting style better, it might be more appropriate to avoid a kiss type greeting.

It's probably a bit extreme to hold out your hand to your father-in-law who has greeted you with a kiss for four years but I would suggest that perhaps you can try to alter the greeting gradually to something you are more comfortable with. If you don't mind hugging, try going for a hug next time. Or if he's kissing you too directly on a part of your face that feels inappropriate, try turning your face away a little so that it's more of an air type kiss. Unless he's completely overpowering you to get a kiss which I don't think would seem OK to your husband, I think you can try to make some physical adjustments to gradually come to a new type of greeting that you are happier with.

I wouldn't suggest talking to him about it as a first step. That could make you both feel uncomfortable. I don't think it's very unusual for there to be a little awkwardness between father-in-law and daughter-in-law. He's probably just trying to do what he thinks is right. It sounds like you have a good relationship apart from this so I would try to first make some subtle changes so that the good relationship continues.

Answer 2

After 4 years of such greetings, I don't think there's much you can do without creating an awkward situation and a certain tension at every future greeting. You can vary the degree of awkwardness and tension, though.

On the other hand, you won't get rid of the discomfort by just letting him kiss you every time. But first thing's first.

Make your husband understand that this is bothering you. If he wants to just brush it off, tell him that it is a big deal for you and that you're planning to do something about it. Don't make him do the work for you, though, but do talk it over with him and tell him what you are planning.

Once you meet with his father, make sure you're out of earshot of others - you don't want to embarrass anyone, right? Then just tell him about it. Tell him you've always felt that way and were afraid to tell him because you didn't want to offend, but you just have to because you're feeling too uncomfortable about him doing it. (I assume this is all true, if not then change it to match your situation.)

Don't tell him what you said in the comment to Martin's answer, that "it's your body to do with as you please". That sounds like an attack and it would put him on the defensive and create further tension. The conversation could go either way - he could be offended, try to make you feel embarrassed, or he could agree not to kiss you any more and laugh about it with you. That really depends on his character and there's really nothing you can do to control his ultimate reaction.

If he agrees not to kiss you any more, the only further thing you need to say on the topic is "thank you". Resist the temptation to elaborate, and change subjects (it might help to pick a subject to talk about beforehand).

In case he is offended say you're sorry to have caused offense, that it wasn't your intention, but you can't help feeling uncomfortable about it every time. Maybe next time avoid greeting him entirely?

In any case, weigh your options carefully.

Answer 3

It sounds like you've never talked to him directly about this.

This is a reasonable request for you to make, and there's no valid reason for anyone to take issue with it. Many families, even from the same culture, have different levels of comfort with kissing and hugging. In today's global world most people understand the concept of different traditions.

Just tell your father-in-law that you grew up in a family with a different tradition about kissing, and that it's personally important to you that the only person you kiss on the lips is his son. If he doesn't respect your request, that becomes a different issue, but it's not fair to expect anyone to guess how you feel about something if you've never made it clear.

Answer 4

Some of this is familial culture. My mother never kissed on the lips, my father always. In my own nuclear family, at some point in my child's (adult) life, I stoped kissing on the lips. I'm not sure why; I think it might have to do with respect for their adulthood. Whatever the reason, I agree with you; it feels weird. We do kiss on the cheek, though. But that's a bit beside the point.

No one should ever feel imposed on physically by another. It's a boundaries issue.

It sounds (and I may be wrong) that your husband's family may have little experience setting healthy boundaries. Your husband's dismissal of your long standing concern is a red flag for this.

i don't really want to make a big issue about it and make problems in the family.

This, and the fact that you haven't put your self first in this case for 4 years, indicates that you might have little experience with boundaries as well.

So I suggest you start reading about healthy boundaries and involve him in your reading. It will take time, but there's an end in sight.

If he comes around to respecting your issue, he could be the go-between. He knows his father better, and can probably deal with confrontation ("Why would she feel that way?") better than you can. If your husband doesn't come around, then you have to have it.

After that, you can smile at the next greeting and just give him a hug. If he forgets and tries to kiss you, just say (you do have the right to express yourself), "I'm sorry (Dad/Peter/whatever), I feel more comfortable with just a hug. Nothing personal, that's just how I was brought up (or some other impersonal reason.)"

People without boundaries have tenser social interactions because there is less respect for the individual's feelings. Set it straight now.

_{How Healthy Couples Deal with Their In-Laws <- this isn't necessarily the best that's out there; merely the first hit when searching for "setting boundaries with in-laws".
The 7 Laws of Boundaries<- Recommends a book as well.}