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Our son has now taken the peace of our life and it has started affecting my professional life as well.

He is 18 and is scheduled to start the university this fall. In the last year and half his behavior has changed dramatically spending more than 12 hours out of home returning in the late night, smoking and drinking. I have caught him many times at homes with alcohol.

Recently he was caught stealing alcohol from store and was arrested. I had to hire attorney to secure SOC and he is now under 2 years watch. We keep saying about good values of life but he seems to forget the next moment.

I was planning to finance his engineering study hoping he would change. Now I come to realize that he has no life skills and it is getting worse. I have been doing all his work including his university application despite reminding many times that it was his job to do. He is in a bad company and all that matters to him are his friends. He has become a pathological liar.

We can't deal with him anymore and would like to stay away from him for ever. I know, he could become violent hearing this, but cannot deal any more stress in our life.

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user17490
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    I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Is your son legally an adult? (18 is when you are no longer responsible in most countries, as far as I know.) Unfortunately we can not give you legal advice on the Parenting.SE site -- if you can [edit] this Question to focus on any non-legal questions you have then I will be happy to re-open it for you. – Acire Aug 01 '15 at 13:37
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    Maybe related: http://law.stackexchange.com/questions/1089/what-are-the-laws-regarding-eviction-from-property – Acire Aug 01 '15 at 20:55
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    this would be a better question if you specified the country you live in, and whether you truly want him out of your life completely (for example, if he turned his life around and became a financially secure man who married into a good family and has children of his own, would you still not want anything to do with him?) What is an SOC? What methods of discipline did you use with him when he was younger, and did they work? – anongoodnurse Aug 01 '15 at 22:37
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    An [SOC] is a Stipulated Order of Continuance, which appears akin to probation but the end result is the case is dismissed), and seems to be a phrase unique to Washington state, USA. In Washington state, the age of majority is 18, (like most, but not all, US states). –  Aug 03 '15 at 05:28
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    Jumping from indulgence/control to estrangement is not a remotely healthy way to deal with the situation. You need family counselling. For the whole family, but start with just you and your spouse (if spouse will go, if not go by yourself). It doesn't sound like any of you have a concept of healthy boundaries, and boundaries are what is desparately needed here. On both sides. – Aravis Aug 06 '15 at 21:12
  • What other options have been considered here? There's a wide swath of choices between "do everything for him" and "never talk again" - also there's a short discussion about violence at the end, but I haven't heard of any other discussion regarding violence in this post, which makes me feel like there's something being left unsaid here. – Foo Barrigno Dec 06 '17 at 15:00

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I might be flamed off the site for this but are you sure your reaction is justified? From your description your son's big transgressions are drinking, smoking, stealing and telling lies. I can think of only a few I've known who have not done one or all of those things when they were young. It's stupid, irresponsible, and can damage your future but it's also a part of being young. You learn your lessons, you mold your life, and if you're lucky your family and friends stand by you even if you screw up.

When you say "stay away from him for ever" it's a tragic horror and so sad to think these are the things that got him disowned from his family. Now it's possible you're not mentioning how bad it actually is. Maybe he really is violent and hurting you physically, or perhaps his friends are the sort that could get everyone killed (like drug dealers using him to make meth in your back yard) or some crimes so bad you can't live with yourself knowing you are letting him do this without turning him in (like murder or rape)

I don't know how bad it is, but I can imagine how bad the whole world would be if it was common for people to give up on their families just because they tried alcohol and cigarettes and happened to like them like most people that try those things, especially at that age. Or maybe they were dared to go on a beer run, or maybe they just wanted to know the thrill. But he's young. He will still be young 5 years from now. He will screw up, he will put his family and friends in a hard place, and he will probably feel sorry about those things. If not now, then someday. That's the normal path of life.

What exactly do you want for your son? Are you sure the path of the university is what HE wants? Nobody wants their kids to be screw ups or end up living under a bridge or worse. But people should be able to choose their own paths. Maybe right now he needs to screw up to really know what he does or doesn't want in life.

I can't tell you what to do. But I think it's beyond extreme to totally disown your son because he's making some mistakes. Maybe you should first try not doing his work for him. If he knows you won't do it, maybe he will.

Kai Qing
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  • Hey, Kai Qing, although I think these are good points, they are really an aside to the OP's question, and as such, can be edited to a comment and converted. Disagreeing with the premise should only be done within the greater context of a helpful answer. – anongoodnurse Aug 04 '15 at 00:05
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    @anongoodnurse - Reading over the OP's post, I am not sure I even see a question. Just a general "please help" in closing. – Kai Qing Aug 04 '15 at 00:32
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    In that case, it's probably better to post a comment asking for clarification. This policy is SE-wide; it's also valid to close as "not a question/unclear what you're asking". Just reminding you of policy easily found in meta. – anongoodnurse Aug 04 '15 at 04:33
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    @anon: IMO this is a damn good answer which strikes close to some very central issues of the question. I'd be really sad if this was removed due to some formal policies. – sbi Mar 01 '16 at 07:23
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    Excellent answer says what needs to be said and is very gentle on the OP. I don't think I would manage to be that polite. – Ola M May 06 '17 at 17:30
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    As a premise disagreement, this looks like a great example of "the greater context of a helpful answer" (deleted this comment and re-posted it without tagging anongoodnurse; sorry if it still alerts you anyway. Didn't realize this was so old when I first commented) – Aaron Nov 30 '17 at 00:24
  • Experimenting with alcohol and cigarettes is one thing, but robbing a liquor store goes a bit beyond typical youthful stupidity. Most kids thankfully don't do 'stupid' at that kind of level, and those that do, typically have poor prospects for the future. – user1751825 Dec 12 '17 at 10:02
  • @user1751825 - What's described in the question is petty theft, not robbery. I've stolen junk from stores when I was a kid. I know it's not the same as alcohol cause he may have done that out of addiction where as I was just stupid. I don't believe these actions are unrecoverable. Also, "typically" is not definite. If we made such life altering choices by statistical probability and abstracted emotion entirely we'd all be sociopaths and the world would be... probably exactly the same as it is now. Except none of us would know our parents. – Kai Qing Dec 12 '17 at 16:28
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It sounds like he is struggling with addiction issues. Stealing liquor is a huge red flag. With addiction, things like values, ethics and planning for the future go out the window. This is not a reflection of the person underneath but a symptom of the problem. If you can help him work through that problem, you will get the person back. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes serious consequences for the person to want to change. Do not shield him from those consequences - it will only prolong the inevitable.

temporary_name
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    Do you have any sources to back up this stance? (IE, that it takes a serious consequence to cause a turn around, rather than an intervention, rehab, or therapy?) –  Aug 03 '15 at 05:22
  • I would consider an intervention or rehab to be, by definition, serious consequences. – temporary_name Aug 03 '15 at 06:45
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    Therapy can be very effective but it takes willingness from the participant, and time to build trust, both of which are commodities in short supply with the addict. – temporary_name Aug 03 '15 at 06:56
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Don't do your sons work. Yes he may fail his studies because of it, but this will most likely happen eventually anyway.

He needs to take responsibility for his own life, and this will not happen if he knows you're always there to help him out of whatever trouble he's got himself into.

Also if he gets in trouble with the law again, don't hire an attorney for him, or pay his bail money. He's an adult, and needs to understand that if he makes mistakes, he has to to deal with the consequences himself.

user1751825
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  • harsh but fair. From experience being a helicopter parent is a double edged sword, yes your children feel you have their back, but it also makes them not want to try and watch it themselves leaving you with a lifetime of worry.You have to cut the apron strings sometime; I think he needs a shock. Don't do his U application, he'll drop it soon enough anyway. – bigbadmouse Dec 06 '17 at 12:30