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This is a serious problem. I don't know how to fix it honestly, but in a relationship of almost 2 years it is quite infuriating.

Usually during time spent with my girlfriend, she is a very logical person, when it comes to things that we agree on, but that is only on the basis that she knows we agree on them.

The problem is that whenever she states something that I don't agree with or does something that I don't agree with, I cannot discuss what is wrong with said premise or wrongdoing without being told I am 'attacking her', or that I am 'starting an argument'. Think of basically someone who says something wrong you hang around with, but have to step on eggshells whenever you think something opposite.

For example, we were watching an analysis on a speech by Donald Trump, and she was pointing out errors in his presentation: black and white fallacies, loaded questions, slippery slope arguments, appeal to emotion etc.
Shortly after we get into a conversation about something, and she states that mixed Asians on average are becoming super tall, probably an average of 6ft. (She is Viet/White 5'10 and had a tall father, so she has a bias.)

I reply

Wow really? I know a lot of mixed Asians but they were pretty short.

She then replies by using a No True Scottsman, and basically says 'They must not have really been mixed. I would know; I'm Asian'.

Well they probably had tall parents. On average Asians are not that tall, and the world average isn't even 6ft idk babe.

And from there she basically says her anecdote is more reliable and says 'case closed, no arguing about it' and gives me an attitude. This continues through basically anything that has views contrary to hers.

The worse part is if I try to talk to her about it, or talk to her about something she's done wrong that she wouldn't want me to do. I will get hit with emotional appeals, and it's like she throws any type of logic or reasoning out the window whenever it suits not taking accountability for something. To her, either you are always wrong, or there is always a middle ground that you must abide by.

How do you guys suppose I fix this? Or talk about this is another way? I'm honestly at a loss right now, and this is really destroying the relationship.

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Pacified
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    How do I fix this? isn't really a question we can answer. If you can tell us a little more about what you would like to do, we may be able to help you figure out how to do it. Also, some more basic info like age and location may help. – apaul Oct 31 '17 at 01:19
  • I'm 20 she's 19. We're University students. I just want to know if there is a better way of handling those situations or confront her about it in a way that would get through to her. – Pacified Oct 31 '17 at 01:22
  • Does this happen when you're talking about trivia or when you're talking about serious relationship stuff ? – StephenG - Help Ukraine Oct 31 '17 at 01:58
  • it could be trivia , it could be something insensitive she says , or serious relationship stuff. literally anything , and then it makes discussing anything with a contrary opinion hell. – Pacified Oct 31 '17 at 02:16
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    It sounds like you're saying she's "logical" when she agrees with you and "illogical" when she disagrees with you. Think about it for a second. –  Oct 31 '17 at 07:11
  • thats not what im saying, im saying when it comes to things she knows we both agree on , she will express a logical outlook on the situation. When it comes to things we don't agree on , she will throw logic out the window and basically reject a logical discussion about it. There have been many times ive been pointed out for being wrong and we talked about it and I was wrong and agreed! but if it is something she is clearly wrong about on the minor to serious level , she refuses to communicate on that level ,basically 'im right youre wrong, no discussion about it' – Pacified Oct 31 '17 at 12:17
  • Reminded me of a conversation about number of chromosomes in humans. One girl argued that it's not 46. Have feeling that she said so just for an argument, not like she really thought so. – rus9384 Oct 31 '17 at 21:13

2 Answers2

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It kind of sounds like you two just have different communication styles. It's a pretty normal issue for couples to have, particularly young couples who are a couple years in and have already gotten past the "honeymoon stage"

The first thing I would recommend is to approach the subject of communication when you're not already arguing about something else and you're both calm and collected.

The next thing to do is spend more time asking questions about how she would like you to communicate with her than time making statements telling her how you would like her to communicate with you. Chances are pretty good that she'll reciprocate and ask you in return.

Through the whole thing, do your best to remain calm, don't attack and try not to defend. Any feedback she gives you is ultimately useful even if it doesn't feel that way immediately.

I know it sounds awfully "meta" but learning to communicate about how you communicate is an incredibly valuable relationship skill.

Often people will turn to more emotional arguments when they feel like their thoughts aren't being heard, understood, or generally received. If they're already making emotional statements, telling them that they're being irrational doesn't get you anywhere other than deeper in the hole.

Also keep in mind that arguments in a romantic relationship are very rarely thought of, or talked about in isolation. Just as you're seeing her behavior as part of a pattern, she's likely thinking the same about you.

One of the things I learned from being married was that sometimes the seemingly irrational/emotional argument I was getting, and sometimes giving, wasn't really about the subject we were arguing about. It was more about the argument style. At a point, the argument turned from the thing we were arguing about to an attempt to simply "win" the argument. Once it's a fight to "win" it doesn't really matter what the argument is about, it becomes about feeling "right" or "vindicated"

So, trying to understand where, how, and why your discussions/arguments take that turn will be a very valuable information to have, right? That's why you want to have those meta communication communications.

Before someone pulls the "Women, am I right?"
Men fall into making emotional arguments too, we're just not as good at recognizing/admitting when we're doing it, because men, in some cultures, aren't raised to acknowledge their own emotional responses... which brings about a whole other bag of issues.

apaul
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  • You've got some valuable information in here but .. – Pacified Oct 31 '17 at 02:22
  • @Pacified But... ? – apaul Oct 31 '17 at 02:23
  • @Pacified Let me guess, I'm good at this, trust me, she does this "ALL THE TIME!!!!1!1!!" – apaul Oct 31 '17 at 02:26
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    You've got some valuable information in here but ..lets put it into a more serious perspective. Say we don't like each other personally texting the opposite sex. She'd be angry that there was a woman in my phone. I wouldnt like the same , so we make the compromise not to do said thing as a unit. The problem is , she will end up doing it anyway , but avoid fault by basically playing a middle ground. 'ok , but you're just being territorial etc' ,. and basically act like it was 'OK' because of what she believed/ her excuse to avoid accountability. Yet if I did the same I'd get blasted – Pacified Oct 31 '17 at 02:29
  • @Pacified Ah... That sounds like a much more specific question. Probably better to ask that as a separate follow up. – apaul Oct 31 '17 at 02:31
  • @Pacified was that what this question was really about? – apaul Oct 31 '17 at 02:32
  • No, its happened before though of course , but it was just a good example of it transferring to everything. And it only gets worse. – Pacified Oct 31 '17 at 02:36
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    @Pacified being opposed to opposite sex friends probably isn't going to be healthy or maintainable in the long run, but learning to communicate about these things will help across the board. – apaul Oct 31 '17 at 02:38
  • Let us continue this discussion in chat. – apaul Oct 31 '17 at 02:43
  • She hated that I had any and basically had me get rid of them because 'girls arent just friends with guys'. If i said anything contrary to that she'd say an emotional appeal. 'So you want to talk to other girls'? Get what i mean – Pacified Oct 31 '17 at 02:43
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    @Pacified I'd reconsider such relationship if I were you. Wait... that's how I'm still single ;) – Vylix Oct 31 '17 at 04:44
  • @Vylix That's cold. True and relevant, but still cold... =P – apaul Oct 31 '17 at 04:48
  • @apaul 'sounds awfully "meta"' sounds awfully like a second order meta typo: you certainly meant 'sounds beautifully "meta"', right? – Volker Siegel Jan 07 '18 at 11:18
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TL;DR -- Assure GF ahead of time that you respect her, and are challenging her facts or analysis, not her.

Now I'm tempted, oh so sorely tempted to go down the boys-are-like, girls-are-like path, but in the interests of gender-peace, I'll demur and get down to business...

It sounds like your GF is having trouble separating your disagreeing with her ideas with disagreeing with her as a person. Could it be that -- rightly or wrongly -- she feels like you're making her feel less, or feel stupid? Not enough info to go on in the Q, but to quote the world's best dad, "search your feelings". When you disagree, are you calm and neutral, or is there any snorting & scoffing & eye-rolling going on? Again, not saying you are doing this, but let's at least check in order to make sure.

Another possibility is that she feels insecure, and has trouble handling disagreement, as it dents her intellectual pride. Not quite enough info to tell. But do be aware that she is sensitive; when you talk with her you two are searching for truth, not to "win".

This leads to the next step. Talk to her. Not during a disagreement! But bring it up at another time. Tell her something along the lines of, "You know, I don't think we've been handling minor disagreements well lately. Am I crazy, or have you noticed this too?" This should spark some discussion.

During that discussion you should make it clear that you are never attacking her. You may challenge her facts -- facts and "facts" are all too available these days. You may challenge her analysis. But your respect for her is never at issue. Invite her to understand that if you do come across as being nasty about it, you are really not meaning to. Might be worth mentioning that "not looking to 'win'" business too.

Lastly, let's take a quick look at that mixed race height argument. Both of you guys whipped out anecdotes posing as data. ;D When that happens, you might say "Let's take a step back and see if there's been any study on that. You or I might be seeing outliers in a small sample set. I mean how many mixed people do we know?" (Now I'm interested ... I'll have to look this up later)

Update -- Got a little more info from comments. You have to make it clear to her that this interaction between you (don't say "your behavior") is causing problems in your relationship. You feel like she's not giving you the benefit of the doubt, and is taking personally abstract arguments. Point being -- you can't change what she does or how she acts. You can offer her a new perspective, and see if this softens her attitude. If it doesn't, it's going to be rough dating someone you can't have a civilized discussion with...

akaioi
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  • I'm actually smiling and happy when im talking to her , it's pretty friendly , but she doesn't take it well. I think it is the pride, i cant even bring up like you said something about it after the disagreement or she will say 'are you trying to start an argument'. Also in the dialogue , I used an anecdote as a contrary to what she said , to show I saw the opposite of what she said , and then i used facts , average height , heights among countries , we even also researched to clarify , but as soon as we did and it started going along with what i was saying , she said 'whatever im asian i know- – Pacified Oct 31 '17 at 03:11
  • and then the attitude and disrespect starts rollllling in – Pacified Oct 31 '17 at 03:12
  • we've had it happen when i was wrong about something , and i was fine with saying 'OH SHI- MY BAD' but it is not that way the other way around... she starts affecting the relationship with it like bad – Pacified Oct 31 '17 at 03:14
  • @Pacified I dropped a few more thoughts into the answer for you. – akaioi Oct 31 '17 at 03:22
  • I had similar situations with an ambitious Person. In my case she admitted that its all about loosing or winning to her. She very rarely said sorry too because she felt like loosing. Maybe you can ask how she is feeling in this moments rather why she is doing something like this. But I have to say that a relationship with somebody who can not admit they were wrong or care so much about winning is stressful. – Picard Oct 31 '17 at 13:11