How to respond to a friend with little to no self confidence and often doesn't feel good about themselves

Question

Often when talking to many of my friends, they often try to put themselves down by commenting that they are not "amazing" and that they are not good enough. Often persuading them otherwise is a futile attempt, sometimes even causing an argument and making them feel worse (and potentially damaging their relationship). It's also worth noting that these conversations take place over a messaging service, and physically visiting them isn't exactly a viable option.

Is there any way I could approach this issue to help them feel more self important, or feel better about themselves, or is it better (and easier) to simply not discuss the matter further to prevent an argument.

To help you better understand I'll provide 2 examples of this, please bear in mind I am trying to get a general response to the question, rather than a solution that just fits these 2 examples (however feel free to use these 2 examples to show how I should reply).

Example 1:
Friend: Nuuuu I look ugly
Me: No you don't what do you mean you look amazing!
Friend: No I don't
Me: Yes you do!

etc... (this goes on for however long)

Example 2:
Friend: I'm actually pretty weak, useless like I am at most things
Me: No you're not, you're great!
Friend: No I'm not (inserts generic excuse about how they have a negative impact on those around them)

and then the conversation goes downhill from there...

It's worth noting that these are not "humble brags", they do genuinely mean this.

Answer 1

Actually, you can't, on your own, counter their lack of self-esteem. Self-esteem is the perceived value of yourself, and as such, the only thing you can do is to try to talk them out of the mood that keeps them in such manner. You can try to understand what is the root of the problem if it's isolated but if it's a constant, continuous, "I suck at everything" then it's bigger than a wrong attitude toward oneself.

Constant self-bashing is a common sign of depression and is usually one of most unrecognized way of asking for help to others. Ask them how they're feeling, if they have any issues or if they need to talk. Try to change their mind and something that will distract them. And if you feel that they might require more help that you are able to give, ask them to see their doctor or a psychiatrist. Depression is a serious illness that shouldn't be overlooked and a lot of people are suffering without even knowing they have it.

Lastly, do not try to carry the person's burden yourself. Even if it's your friend, if he or she needs more help than you can give, do not commit to making them feel better. That person will likely end up having to depend on you for cheering her and will most likely bring you down at the same time, crashing both of you.

Answer 2

I see two approaches here. Living as we are in a world where the amazing seems ubiquitous and competitiveness is set as the standard.

One approach is to ask why they feel so down. It may be nothing to do with the remarks made, but with having a hard period in life or even just a (series of) bad night(s). Or that time of the month. When addressed and given room to vent the air may clear. But that room to vent is essential. Once the negative emotions are all out in the open there may be room to turn the mood around, or not, but in any case you have to give them the opportunity to get rid of it. And that is worth gold in itself.

Then there is the campaign where you point out in great detail why you appreciate the person, and what you see as their qualities. This is your opinion so nothing they say can upend the argument! What is important here is to build it on fact so it cannot be denied, debunked, trivialized. Be prepared to be ignored during the conversation anyway, but concrete arguments do have power and hopefully will help long after the conversation has ended.

Finally, that you are trusted to be the recipient of rather uncensored remarks is a great compliment. Not many people are good listeners, but you seem to be one of them. Kudos for that.

Answer 3

I've dealt with this quite a few times. Both with others and myself.

I sometimes use logic to break whatever fallacy makes them think they're unappealing. It won't cheer them up long term, but might help them stop obsessing over that quality. After that, follow-up with supportive comments. Also, be honest. Trying to convince them without being sincere won't help much.

1. Ask them for concrete reasons why they think what they think. Something like having a pimple, being overweight, being shy, etc.
2. Point out why that one quality doesn't define a person. A pimple is only .1% of your face. Being overweight doesn't take away from other positive physical or personal qualities.
3. Ask them if they'd feel that way about another person who is like them. They most likely will say no. Would you make fun of someone for being quiet? Having a pimple? etc
4. Give a positive comment contradicting their statement. They may have a pimple, but they have beautiful eyes and smile. They have a very elegant long legs. Make great jokes.

I know this helps me. Sad people sometimes sink into negative thoughts which might not reflect reality. You get focused entirely on a bad quality and miss the good ones. This sort of thing can help your mind escape.

Answer 4

The only thing you can do is give them proof that they are wrong in that subject. If you insists it is perceived like you are only being polite or just want to cheer him up.

I don't have any kind of self-confidence and really very poor self-valuation, it causes that when someone compliments me I don't belive them, it is not humble brag.

You have to tell them why they are good looking or good at something, giving them some evidence.

Using your examples:

Example 1:
Friend: Nuuuu I look ugly
Me: No you don't what do you mean you look amazing!
Friend: No I don't
Me: Yes you do!

You: Don't you remember that cute man/woman who was smiling you at the bar the other day or that classmate that was hitting on you?

Example 2:
Friend: I'm actually pretty weak, useless like I am at most things
Me: No you're not, you're great!
Friend: No I'm not (inserts generic excuse about how they have a negative impact on those around them)

You: Hey, you are very good at math, your grades are pretty awesome and you helped me with my study.

Or

You: You are brilliant telling us jokes, you alway make us laught.

Obviously it only works if you give them real evidence.

Answer 5

In general following up a positive statement or compliment with a question about it helps the recipient accept it without deflecting.

No you're not you're amazing! How long did it take you to learn X?

Gives them a way of following up the compliment with an answer rather than a denial and in doing so having to accept the compliment as true.

So, tell them they are amazing/beautiful/intelligent. Give an example and then follow up with a question about that example.

Answer 6

Don't help them yourself

If they get their 'validity' from the outside this will only make the situation worse, they will keep needing to make remarks like this to have others confirm to them that they are pretty or clever or talented.

Negative self-talk works its way into your perception: The more a person uses it the worse they will feel.

Get them to build their own self esteem

The link above has a few useful points.

Putting anyone down, including yourself, is emotional bullying. Most of us consider bullying from others as a bad thing, so why bully yourself? It seems like we have a double standard and treat others better than we treat ourselves. It’s not okay to put anyone down and that includes yourself.

Is a good starter, pointing out that they're just bullying themselves and you wouldn't stand for it if they spoke about any of your other friends that way.

It’s important to pay attention to your negative talk — catch your negative thoughts or words early. Awareness is very important and it empowers you to make changes. Stop your negative thoughts or words and correct them as much as you can. This may be a challenge to start with and it’s important to be kind to yourself. It’s okay if you don’t get it right straight away. Change will take effort and habits won’t change overnight. Keep on practicing and you’ll see improvements. Change your talk and you will build your self-esteem.

This is hard, often people perceive some strength in beating themselves up - perhaps stemming from wanting to be humble to an extreme but still have others think nicely of you. In reality this is just manipulative (though don't tell them that) and much healthier for all involved if the person builds their self-esteem.