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In a thriller/horror screenplay, I have written this sentence:

"There, at the bottom of the list, there is an app branded as 'new'."

They told me that repeating there in this way is wrong, but I'd like to keep the suspenseful tone. Eliminating the first "there" (preferred option, for now) would weaken the feeling of suspense, eliminating the second "there" (as I was advised to do) sounds a bit weird to me, but maybe it's not. What would you advise?

jimm101
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Luca
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  • The quoted sentence is dialogue? – KillingTime May 09 '21 at 12:31
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    Ungrammatical repetition is common in dialog. Or you could repunctuate it "There, at the bottom of the list! (beat) An app branded as 'new'." (As others say, I don't think the second "there", or indeed "is" adds much suspense - remember you can have actors pause for a second and say nothing, which often generates more suspense.) – Stuart F May 09 '21 at 13:32
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    @StuartF But there’s nothing ungrammatical in the OP’s sentence. – Araucaria - Him May 09 '21 at 15:10
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    I can't see any reason for saying it's ungrammatical to use *there* twice in this way. It's just a bit *clumsy*, and thus probably best avoided. – FumbleFingers May 09 '21 at 18:24

1 Answers1

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The second there is gratuitous. Eliminating it does not weaken the suspense you are trying to create.

There, at the bottom of the list, is an app branded as "new."

You would weaken the suspense by writing

There is an apt branded as "new" at the bottom of the list.

Grammatically, the content of the sentence that is between the two commas is appositive and is considered "nonessential" (though it is essential to the element of suspense you are trying to create).

If I knew a little bit more about how your sentence fits into the screenplay, I could give you examples of sentences that could create even more suspense.

rhetorician
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