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I have lived in the U.S. for 20 years now but I am yet to find an elegant and eloquent phrase to express condolences to somebody upon the death of a close one that does not involve religiosity and prayer ("Your family will be in my prayers").

My native language is Bosnian (Serbocroatian) and we simply say "accept my condolences".

Can you offer some examples of similar elegant, eloquent, and SECULAR phrases in English that do not imply God, prayers, religion, heaven, etc.?

Heartspring
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amphibient
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10 Answers10

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I find this question somewhat odd, because by far the two most common ways of expressing condolences to someone recently bereaved are in my experience quite secular and non-religious:

Sorry for your loss

– and

My condolences.

In my own, personal experience, both these phrases are much more common when expressing condolences than “You(r family) will be in my prayers” or anything like that. The latter type (whether based in religion or more secular versions as in Nate’s answer below) might well be said after the basic expression of condolences, à la, “I’m so sorry for your loss; you’ll be in my thoughts”—but I have not frequently heard it used on its own.

Janus Bahs Jacquet
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  • I have found the American Jewish formula "May his/her memory be a blessing" helpful; it's certainly something anyone would wish and expresses one's own memories and feelings. Blessings, after all, are personal matters. – John Lawler Jun 25 '14 at 16:21
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    @John They are—but I doubt most people would consider them atheist or agnostic. I’m fairly sure I’ve heard people say, “May his/her memory be a comfort” (or something very similar to that); that would be more secular, but presumably based on the same formula. – Janus Bahs Jacquet Jun 25 '14 at 16:25
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    If you feel blessed, you got a blessing. Anybody can feel blessed without invoking anything blessèd. – John Lawler Jun 25 '14 at 16:33
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    @JanusBahsJacquet, I'm surprised you would associate "You(r family) will be in my prayers" with something one would say to someone they considered a sinner. I and others I know say it because we are praying for the needs and comfort of those suffering loss, and it is often said to others of the same faith. – Rynant Jun 25 '14 at 19:58
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    @Rynant I am guessing that’s because I’m neither American nor religious. I have mostly seen it used on the Internet, and especially in contexts where someone perhaps a bit too religious says it to someone who leads a lifestyle they do not condone (rallies against gay marriage or gay pride, etc.), but do not wish to come off like someone from the Westboro Baptist Church. I am not surprised that it is used genuinely, too; but my own personal experience has unfortunately mainly been of the “I will pray for your poor soul that you are flouting so shamelessly” sense. – Janus Bahs Jacquet Jun 25 '14 at 20:04
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    @JanusBahsJacquet, in this brave new world of "anonymous" interaction with strangers on social media, I have seen the use of prayer as a cudgel with which to beat someone over the head, too. Between friends and loved ones however, "you and your family are in my prayers" is not interpreted as praying for their sins, rather, it's praying for strength and comfort to endure their loss. – Kristina Lopez Jun 25 '14 at 20:29
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    "I'm sorry for your loss" seems so trite and overused, to me. How about getting away from the formulaic precise phrase and just speaking from the heart? How about, "I can't imagine what you're going through, and wish I could help you somehow. I've been thinking about you a lot and I'm here for you if there's any way I can help."? Okay, maybe you don't want to say all that, but can you not find some way to speak from the heart? – ErikE Jun 26 '14 at 02:01
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    @Erik That's a lot more like what I'd actually say—but I took the question to be asking for commonly used formulas, rather than freestyling. – Janus Bahs Jacquet Jun 26 '14 at 07:14
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    @ErikE The point of a stock phrase is because in this situation people don't know what to say and in fact there usually is nothing they can say that is actually comforting. It means you can acknowledge their loss and grief without adding a burden that they might feel like they have to buck up or act greatful. It is deliberately unimportant because this is a time for them. – JamesRyan Jun 26 '14 at 16:25
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    @JamesRyan I can see what you're saying, I just really don't like stock phrases. Is it possible, though to actually say what you'd really like them to get, using words that are a little different each time? Cribbing from your words, how about "I wish I could comfort you some way. Losing X is a great loss. You don't have to do a thing." I don't know... I just don't like formulaic well-wishing. – ErikE Jun 26 '14 at 17:45
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    I upvoted for the first part of your answer, but the part about sinners is way off. – TecBrat Jun 27 '14 at 17:52
  • @TecBrat I've updated the answer to clarify that I am only talking about my own personal experience. – Janus Bahs Jacquet Jun 27 '14 at 18:33
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    @JanusBahsJacquet - I've had to turn my upvote into a downvote with your "bigoted people in a derogatory manner" addition, which I believe is more a reflection of your own cultural preconceptions than of reality. In my experience, people offering condolences choose whatever language they believe the recipient will find comforting, and I can't imagine that being more or less true in the US than in any other part of the world. – phenry Jun 27 '14 at 20:12
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    @phenry That’s exactly the point: most of the times I have heard people use phrases like “You’ll be in my prayers” or “I will pray for you”, it has not been in offering condolences. Those people were acting in a derogatory manner, using their prayers as a weapon (“I’m not saying what you’re doing is wrong … but I’ll be praying for the redemption of your lost soul”). In what I have experienced of prayer-based statements, these far outnumber the “You’ll be in my thoughts” ones. (Edited to—hopefully—clarify again.) – Janus Bahs Jacquet Jun 27 '14 at 20:46
  • context is important. "You are in our prayers" in the context of condolences is typically a sincere expression. But yes, the phrase can also be used in different context in a condescending manner. – DA. Jun 27 '14 at 20:52
  • Since apparently the notion that some people misuse what is meant to be consolatory words to display condescension is very controversial (and admittedly also more relevant in contexts that are not to do with offering condolences and thus somewhat immaterial to the question), I’ve decided to completely remove any reference to it. – Janus Bahs Jacquet Jun 28 '14 at 21:32
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An appropriate secular substitute for prayers is thoughts.

Your family will be in my thoughts.

It sounds a bit odd if you think about it too hard, but it is a common idiom.

Nate Eldredge
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  • I have heard plenty of times "You will be in my thoughts and prayers." So I guess I wouldn't call them substitutes, but compliments. Either way, if you're not the praying type, just leave it out. +1 –  Jun 27 '14 at 19:29
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I have seen and I prefer:

My deepest sympathies go out to you and your family.

Any variation involving "sympathy" is pretty good to me, because that is exactly what you are feeling*.

*Technically, you are likely feeling empathy because you have likely lost someone you know too, but I just don't like the word for some reason.

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    "Technically, you are likely feeling empathy..." But you don't express empathy because to do so would be comparing their loss to yours, and it's impolite to remind someone who is actively grieving that others have grieved before them. It would be similar to asking them to put their sadness in perspective, which is not appropriate to ask of them during their difficult times. – Adam Davis Jun 26 '14 at 23:03
  • @adam I don't agree with that. Saying "I know how you feel" is empathetic and is not rude in almost all situations. –  Jun 26 '14 at 23:48
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    "I know how you feel" is an awful thing to say. – James Jun 27 '14 at 17:02
  • @James Really? I just don't see that. Maybe your hear it differently in your head when you read the words. Imagine if I was to actually say this is would go something like: "I know how you feel. It's tough dealing with loss, but you'll get through it." It empathizes, describes, then encourages. Now, don't be tempted to read this as "Get over it." –  Jun 27 '14 at 17:08
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    I was looking for an example of why and figured I'd link this instead. – James Jun 27 '14 at 17:13
  • @James Would you really say this: I hear you loud and clear, and although I don’t know how you feel, I can certainly relate to what you’re saying. It's really only semantics and I challenge the factuality that a large chunk of grievers say "'I know how you feel' is hurtful." I would have to see statistics to believe that. –  Jun 27 '14 at 17:36
  • Yeah that last part was a bit weird, I wouldn't say that either. When my cousin's 5-yr old passed away it was easy to not say "I know how you feel" because I couldn't imagine the grief they must have felt. In fact that's pretty much what I said. I also told them how I would remember their child, how their child had touched my life, and that I was "there for them" if they wanted to talk or cry about it. – James Jun 27 '14 at 18:35
  • @James sounds like the way to do it. I also cannot imagine loosing my child. –  Jun 27 '14 at 19:18
  • @fredsbend Untie your child! – Jim Reynolds Dec 19 '14 at 04:05
  • @JimReynolds AHAHAHAHA. Pedant jokes just slay me. It was a typo, I swear. –  Dec 19 '14 at 04:31
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A popular phrase is "I am sorry for your loss".

A variation is "I am saddened by your loss".

This variation should address, as was pointed out in the comments, that sometimes the word "sorry" implies blame.

KnightHawk
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    I believe -- without actual evidence -- that this formulaic recitation has been popularized by US television (esp. cop shows). I find it empty and unsatisfying. It's a neutral way of expressing condolence that avoids any implication of blame. Simply saying "I'm sorry," as some doctors have discovered, can be twisted to imply that one is sorry for causing the loss. – Jim Mack Jun 25 '14 at 16:47
  • thanks @JimMack, I have added a variation to address that. – KnightHawk Jun 25 '14 at 16:57
  • @JimMack On the other hand, doctors saying "I'm sorry" is almost never usable in court as admission of guilt, and furthermore, apologizing prevents lawsuits far more often than it causes them. It's good practice for doctors to say "I'm sorry that X happened" after an error or loss, even if not caused by that doctor. – ErikE Jun 26 '14 at 01:57
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    "I am sorry to hear about..." makes it pretty clear that you're expressing sorrow rather than apology. – David Richerby Jun 26 '14 at 10:54
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I say "I'm so sorry for your loss" and, if I really mean it (which I most often do), "If there's anything I can do, let me know."

I had a friend tell me the latter several times when I was on the receiving end of his sympathy and it meant more to me than anything anybody else said because I knew I just had to ask and he'd be there to help with whatever. It was such a great help that I've since adopted it.

I'm religious, so I don't have a completely unbiased perspective, but it's been a very handy way to express sympathy and offer more than just words.

user82247
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Einstein's condolences to the Besso family:

Now Besso has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.

Of course, this then invokes a non-religious philosophical concept, but this does show that you don't have to stick to a short one-liner if you want to avoid religion.

p.s.w.g
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Count Iblis
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    How is this expressing condolences? There's no sympathy, support, or sadness in "that means nothing" and "a persistent illusion." – ErikE Jun 26 '14 at 01:59
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    I think something like this is great when the deceased and/or their family share a similar view to your own, but if not it comes across as exploiting their loss to make a statement about how great your own scientific worldview is. – R.. GitHub STOP HELPING ICE Jun 26 '14 at 12:07
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    @ErikE It's a roundabout way of saying Besso isn't entirely gone and still remains with us in some form, which is a very common way of expressing condolences. This is similar to the secular "he will always be in our thoughts", or the religious "you will be reunited in heaven". However, I still don't think it answers the question, since it requires a specific worldview and faith in theories we have yet to prove. Which has the same issues as using non-secular condolences. – Sybeus Jun 26 '14 at 22:39
  • @Sybeus I think there's a big difference between "Besso isn't entirely gone [as he is continues into the future in altered but real form]" and "Besso isn't entirely gone [because though entirely destroyed, the past is part of the present Whole Thing spacetime continuum]". The second is just cheap weasel-wording. Saying "Besso will always be in our thoughts" is different: despite its wording, it doesn't say where Besso really is--it's just a way of indicating that you care. So, I don't agree with you. – ErikE Jun 27 '14 at 01:09
  • @Sybeus If someone, by "Besso is in my thoughts", meant that his existence continues there, I'd call that false. Besso doesn't exist in thoughts after his death any more than he existed in them before his death. – ErikE Jun 27 '14 at 01:10
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    Einstein was a poet. He's saying that despite our loss that we feel, past, present and future are an illusion, there for he's always here. It has nothing to do with Besso being in our thoughts. Understanding the physics helps to understand what he's saying here. – crthompson Jun 27 '14 at 06:47
  • @ErikE Straw man much? My point is that telling the grieving their loved one still exists in some form is a comfort. And showed other ways of saying Besso still exists in some form. Could be a remembrance in people's thoughts, a persistent soul, or a theoretical view implying if something existed then will always exist. Requiring to believe as those who uttered the examples is not my argument. But again, any similar sentiment runs into the exact problems you have with my examples. The whole lot of them are problematic and what the original question is trying to avoid, which is my second point. – Sybeus Jun 27 '14 at 15:42
  • @Sybeus My point is that telling the grieving their loved one still exists in a form that isn't in some essential way* still their loved one* isn't a comfort. I could just as well say "you've probably ingested one of his molecules since his death, so he lives on in you." That's comforting? – ErikE Jun 27 '14 at 17:32
  • @Sybeus P.S., saying "Straw man much?" makes it about me (how often I may do it), instead of about the supposed straw man (exactly how my argument is a straw man you didn't specify), thus you are guilty of ad hominem in this case. Wheee! We can name logical fallacies at each other! – ErikE Jun 27 '14 at 17:35
  • @ErikE Telling me I'll meet my loved one in heaven is just as comforting to me as your example. In other words, not at all comforting to me. However, a religious person saying it to me would still believe they are providing me a comforting expression of condolence. Just as Einstein would believe in the meaning and implication behind his words. Trying to provide comfort and succeeding are two different things, but that doesn't make them less an expression of condolences. As for the straw man comment, it was argumentative and I apologize. – Sybeus Jun 27 '14 at 20:07
  • @Sybeus Your latest comment was helpful and I appreciate your taking the time to explain. I understand now what you are getting at. – ErikE Jun 27 '14 at 21:26
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I'm very sorry for your loss, George was a good friend and will be deeply missed.

par
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Just look them in the eye if possible and say "What a bummer!" (or even just "Bummer!") while shacking your head back and forth slightly.

martineau
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Pretty much anything that expresses your feelings about the deceased ("I was so sorry to hear of his passing") or offers an expression of sympathy for what the loved ones are going through. "I'm sorry for your loss" and similar are entirely appropriate.

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My heart goes out to you.
If there is anything I can do to make life a little easier for you, please let me know.

Robyn Simpson
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