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Hello everyone.

Think you don't know the name and gender of a person.

What should we write?

Let's see this example: Yesterday someone on internet helped me to write a better letter, but unfortunately, I forgot ....... name.

What we should write in ......? His or her name/Its name

I know we can say" the name of that person" but I want to check those options. Can I use Its in these situation? Is it Polite?

Sajjad Khorrami
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No - it is treating the person as though they were a thing. Use they, them, their for a person of unspecified gender.

Kate Bunting
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Traditionally in English -- as in many other languages -- when you don't know the gender of a person, or you are referring to some generic person who could be either gender, you say "he" (or whatever form is appropriate). "I forget his name."

Some today consider this sexist and demeaning to women, and so use other words.

There is the practical problem that it can be unclear whether you mean that the person was or must be male, or that you are leaving the gender unspecified.

No, you cannot use "it". "It" refers to inanimate objects, not people. It would be confusing at best and insulting at worst.

Some use the "singular they". That is, they write, "... I forget their name". The catch to this is that, just as using "he" can create ambiguity whether you mean "male" or "unspecified", so "they" can create ambiguity whether you mean singular or plural. For example, if I said, "Every mechanic is required to clean his tools after work", clearly I mean that each mechanic is responsible for his own tools. But if I say, "The mechanics are required to clean their tools after work", now it is not clear whether I mean that each mechanic is responsible for his (or her) own tools, or whether the mechanics as a group are responsible for all the tools.

Some say "he/she" to make clear that they mean either gender. "I forget his/her name." Possible, but it gets awkward fast. "He/she must write his/her name on his/her form, and then give it to the clerk who will submit it to his/her supervisor" etc.

Some have tried to invent new pronouns which can refer to someone of either gender. Like "xi/xem/xis" like one would use "he/him/his". The problem with this is that inventing a new word and getting people to use it is hard. It can work for the name of a new invention or a technical term. Like when the cell phone was invented, there was no name for such a device, so someone had to invent one, and "cell phone" and "mobile phone" seem to have caught on. But we already have pronouns. And to make it worse, we use pronouns all the time and in many contexts, heck, in almost EVERY context. You often use pronouns multiple times in one sentence. Reading a paragraph with newly-invented pronouns, they just jump out at the reader and are very distracting. Maybe, possibly, advocates of these new pronouns will succeed and at some point get "over the hump" so that readers see them as normal. But we are a long way from that now.

Jay
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    Thank you so much. That was the best answer❤ – Sajjad Khorrami Jul 29 '23 at 07:19
  • -1 this answer degenerates into an unecessary debate about preferred gender pronouns. It's very clear what your personal stance is but on an English language website this is unacceptable and uncalled for. Who has ever suggested that a neo-pronoun should be used whenever the gender (or sex) of a person is unknown? Please support your answer with relevant and pertinent references. – Mari-Lou A Jul 30 '23 at 00:53
  • @Mari-LouA Hmm. The question was what pronoun to use when the sex of the person is unknown. I don't know how to answer that except to discuss the available options. RE "who has ever suggested that a neo-pronoun should be used whenever the gender of a person is unknown" ... umm, that's what they're for. Are you suggesting that they only be used sometimes, and that other times some other convention should be used? You actually want a citation for this? Okay. How about, https://www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/gender-neutral-pronouns. ... – Jay Jul 30 '23 at 05:10
  • ... Scroll down to "when might you use gender-neutral pronouns?" They suggest "when you don't know someone's pronouns and want to refer to them", "when you want to avoid specifying the gender of a person to whom you're referring", "when you're talking about a human in general", etc. – Jay Jul 30 '23 at 05:12
  • And that gender neutral pronoun, NOT neopronoun, is they. If someone informs you of their preferred gender pronoun, then you should respect their choice and use those. These are two different things. – Mari-Lou A Jul 30 '23 at 06:39
  • By adhering to a person's pronouns, you can show sensitivity and respect for their existence. You might consider asking a person what their pronouns are so you can address them correctly. The OP's sentence is perfect: “Yesterday someone on [the] internet helped me…, but unfortunately, I forgot ___ name.” You wouldn't use any of the following pronouns such as "zir“ "eir" or “xyr“ unless you had been previously informed they were non-binary. – Mari-Lou A Jul 30 '23 at 07:12
  • Here's another quote from the source you linked to “If someone [singular] corrects you on their pronouns or tells you they* want to start using different pronouns, it often implies* *they* care about their relationship with you”. Please note that even the author of the piece uses the gender-neutral pronouns "they", "them" and "their". – Mari-Lou A Jul 30 '23 at 07:14
  • @Mari-LouA I'm not sure what your point is. Yes, we might use words like "someone" or "the customer" or whatever instead of a pronoun. Do you think my answer would have been better if I had spelled that out? Okay. And I mentioned the option of singular they or casting as plural, so yes, I'm not disputing that's also an option. – Jay Jul 31 '23 at 01:13
  • Your answer claims that the singular they can be confusing and as an example you give this: “The mechanics are required to clean their* tools after work”* What other pronoun would go in place of their? The noun mechanics is inherently plural. The problem of whether mechanics are responsible for their own tools or all the tools in the repair shop can be avoided by adding "their own tools" or "every tool in the repair shop“. – Mari-Lou A Jul 31 '23 at 05:21
  • You might use the masculine pronoun "his" in your other example “Every mechanic is required to clean his tools* after work" because you know they are all men. Fair enough. But if the profession was "doctors" would you feel comfortable with saying "Every doctor should have his own GP” You may argue that "his" is used in the generic sense and does not exclude women, but nowadays that is no longer true. Today the vast majority of native speakers, below the age of 60, would say without hesitation: "Every doctor should have their own GP”. – Mari-Lou A Jul 31 '23 at 05:28
  • @Mari-LouA Why do you assume that all auto mechanics are men? Isn't that sexist? :-) – Jay Jul 31 '23 at 23:41
  • But yes, in "The mechanics are ..." I cast the sentence as plural to allow use of "their" while remaining grammatical, and I assert that this creates an ambiguity. I should have distinguished between recasting as plural and using a "true" singular "they", as in, "Each mechanic is required to clean their tools." But in this case that would still leave an ambiguity. Is that a singular they, each mechanic is required to clean that mechanic's own tools? Or is it plural, each mechanic is responsible for getting all the tools cleaned? – Jay Jul 31 '23 at 23:41
  • "Vast majority of native speakers below the age of 60 ..." Maybe so. Do you have a poll on this? Or are you just assuming that's true because it's true of you and your friends? There's a very easy trap to fall in to of assuming that the people you associate with are representative of the population as a whole, which of course may or may not be true in any given case. But regardless, even if true, saying "most people talk this way" doesn't resolve the fact that when someone DOES talk that way, what they say is ambiguous. – Jay Jul 31 '23 at 23:45
  • Why do you assume that all auto mechanics are men? I never do, but you were the one who used "his" and I politely conceded that “You might use the masculine pronoun "his" in your … ‘Every mechanic is required to clean his tools after work’ because you know they are all men. Fair enough.” I also asked whether you would still feel comfortable using "his" if instead the profession was a doctor. Does your silence signify an affirmative response? By the way, it didn't escape my attention that your last sentence used the singular ‘they’–correctly I'll add–and I was in no way confused. Bravo! – Mari-Lou A Aug 01 '23 at 04:04