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If a person has a choice of being truthful or nice to a friend, what does the Bible tell us to do?

Example:

Suppose you will hurt the feelings of your friend if you tell them the truth. Is it better to lie (or twist the truth) and be nice?

JustBeingHelpful
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  • Romans 12;18. Says be peaceable – Kris May 27 '23 at 21:24
  • https://christianity.stackexchange.com/q/20277/23657 Duplicate – Kris May 27 '23 at 21:29
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    As with so many things, it's not a matter of either/or, but it is a matter of both/and. – rhetorician May 28 '23 at 01:57
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    Questions asking for the truth or validity of a particular doctrine or belief (aka Truth Questions), and questions asking Is X a Sin? are not a good fit for our site, due to their subjective nature, and the vast number of possible Christian opinions on such topics. – Kris May 29 '23 at 13:40

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The Bible teaches being truthful, even if it hurts.

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. (Proverbs 27:6, KJV)

Let the righteous smite me; it shall be a kindness: and let him reprove me; it shall be an excellent oil, which shall not break my head: for yet my prayer also shall be in their calamities. (Psalm 141:5, KJV)

Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee. (Proverbs 9:8, KJV)

Better by far to hear the truth kindly spoken from the lips of a friend, than to have it hurled mercilessly from those of an enemy; and no true friend will withhold the truth.

Biblasia
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  • Do these pants make me look fat dear? – Kris May 28 '23 at 00:21
  • @User14 "I think you would look more attractive in your blue dress." – Biblasia May 28 '23 at 00:25
  • Dodge the question rather than lie. Well played 😊 – Kris May 28 '23 at 00:44
  • Genesis 12:10-20 Abraham lied? – Kris May 28 '23 at 00:49
  • @User14 The Bible is full of people who sinned, and whose sins are recorded. We are not taught, thereby, to sin as they did: to the contrary, we see how their sins resulted in misery and are instructed to avoid the same pitfalls. Abraham lied on multiple occasions--but it did not work out for anyone's good. It was because of his lies that God had to test him so closely, in the end asking that he sacrifice his own son. By that point in time, Abraham had learned not to lie. – Biblasia May 28 '23 at 00:58
  • @User14 Technically, Abraham's lies weren't sins because he pre-dated the Law of Moses that forbade lying. – nick012000 May 28 '23 at 03:45
  • @nick012000 Lying has never been lawful. Jesus called Satan the "father of lies." Satan lied to Eve in the Garden of Eden--was that not breaking the law of God? The Ten Commandments pre-existed the moment in which they were engraved in stone by God's finger at Mount Sinai. He simply did that to help the people remember them. Some of the mixed multitude had never learned them, being Egyptians. – Biblasia May 28 '23 at 03:50
  • "The Ten Commandments pre-existed the moment in which they were engraved in stone by God's finger at Mount Sinai." They literally didn't. They were a part of the Covenant (agreement/deal/contract) that God formed with Moses and the Jewish people. – nick012000 May 28 '23 at 03:52
  • @nick012000 Then why did God punish Cain for murdering Abel? – Biblasia May 28 '23 at 03:53
  • @Biblasia Because Abel asked God to do so, after his death ("Your brother's blood cries out to me from the ground"), and even if it technically wasn't a sin because God hadn't yet set up a system of rules for sins to be judged by yet, God's nature was still the same, so he disliked what Cain had done. – nick012000 May 28 '23 at 04:05
  • @nick012000 God already knew the facts in Cain's case, and spoke of Abel's blood to show Cain it was futile for him to lie or dissemble before God. Blood is not a sentient being, and has no voice. The Hebrew language is just as full of euphemisms and figures of speech as is English. If I say to you, "The atrocities of the war cry out for vengeance," do "atrocities" actually speak? We know right well that they do not. Common sense is part of proper hermeneutics. – Biblasia May 28 '23 at 04:11
  • @Biblasia God may have been using a figure of speech, but I'm pretty sure He had an opportunity to have a chat with Abel when he became the first human to enter the afterlife. – nick012000 May 28 '23 at 04:14
  • @nick012000 Abel is still in the grave, awaiting Christ's return when he will be resurrected from the dead. – Biblasia May 28 '23 at 05:47
  • @Biblasia Different denominations have differing beliefs regarding when the righteous dead will enter Heaven. – nick012000 May 28 '23 at 06:13
  • @nick012000 You are right. However,one's beliefs will not change the facts. For example, if I believe that lying is not wrong, does my belief make it right? – Biblasia May 28 '23 at 06:21
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    @nick012000 says "Abraham's lies weren't sins because he pre-dated the Law of Moses that forbade lying.". Abraham predated Moses's recording of the Law, but the Law itself existed long before that. In particular, in Genesis 26:5 God told Isaac about his father: "Abraham obeyed my voice, and kept my charge, my commandments, my statutes, and my laws.". – Ray Butterworth May 29 '23 at 15:05
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Since when are being nice and being truthful in contradistinction? Being nice is nice, but to speak the truth in love is nicer by far.

Your confusion may lie in not making a distinction between being honest and being truthful. Being honest can sometimes border on being cruel and unkind. The wife who asks her husband if the blue dress makes her look fat is not looking for unvarnished honesty from her husband, neither does she want a bald lie.

Kindness, diplomacy, and tailoring one's comments to the hearer are all very biblical. The husband need not say "I much prefer the red dress on you," thus skirting the issue. I suggest he say instead, "Hun, I think you look just fine. If you're not comfortable with the blue dress, find a frock you ARE comfortable with. I love you just as you are."

When a child who just finished playing their first piano solo before an audience that includes his or her parents, the child might ask the parents afterwards, "Mom, Dad, how did you like my solo?" Even if the child made lots of mistakes, the kind thing for the parents to say to their child might be, "We enjoyed it just fine. We're proud of you. We also think you are improving. Just keep on practicing."

Because Jesus came from the Father, full of grace and truth, his followers need to emulate him in their interactions with people in general and believers in particular. Grace needs to precede truth, and they complement each other very nicely!

rhetorician
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Gal 1:10 NLT Obviously, I'm not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant.

Matt 10:34-37 NJB

34'Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth: it is not peace I have come to bring, but a sword. 35For I have come to set son against father, daughter against mother, daughter-in-law against mother-in-law; 36a person's enemies will be the members of his own household. 37'No one who prefers father or mother to me is worthy of me. No one who prefers son or daughter to me is worthy of me.

The NT records the first preaching of the Gospel like this, from John's mouth:

Matt 3:2-10 NHEB

2and saying, "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near." 3For this is he who was spoken of by Isaiah the prophet, saying, "The voice of one who calls out in the wilderness, 'Prepare the way of the Lord. Make his roads straight.'" 4Now John himself wore clothing made of camel's hair and with a leather belt around his waist, and his food was locusts and wild honey. 5Then people from Jerusalem, all of Judea, and all the region around the Jordan went out to him, 6and they were baptized by him in the Jordan river, confessing their sins. 7But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming for his baptism he said to them, "You offspring of vipers, who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? 8Therefore bring forth fruit worthy of repentance, 9and do not think to yourselves, 'We have Abraham for our father,' for I tell you that God is able to raise up children to Abraham from these stones. 10"Even now the axe lies at the root of the trees. Therefore, every tree that does not bring forth good fruit is cut down, and cast into the fire.

I don't think John would've been beheaded, Jesus crucified and all the apostles and prophets killed if they would've believed in a "nice" teaching and palatable lifestyle.

Proverbs 1:20-26: “Wisdom calls aloud in the street. She utters her voice in the public squares. She calls at the head of noisy places. At the entrance of the city gates, she utters her words: “How long, you simple ones, will you love simplicity? How long will mockers delight themselves in mockery, and fools hate knowledge? Turn at my reproof. Look, I will pour out my spirit on you. I will make known my words to you. Because I have called, and you have refused; I have stretched out my hand, and no one has paid attention; but you have ignored all my counsel, and wanted none of my reproof; I also will laugh at your disaster. I will mock when calamity overtakes you;”

This explains the prophet Elijah’s mocking the false prophets of Baal, since he was only imitating Yahweh his God at this point: 1 Kings 18:20-29, Philippians 3:2-3; Titus 1:10-13 ; 2Peter 2:12, 19-22. In this the apostles were imitating the language of the Lord Jesus:

"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." Matthew 7:6. Cf Romans 12:17-21, Colossians 4:6,

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

1For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven: 2a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

Michael16
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This is one definition of “nice”:

nice definition: 1. pleasant, enjoyable, or satisfactory: 2. pleasantly: 3. kind, friendly, or polite

However, when it comes to Christians, there are plenty Bible verses about truth. Ephesians 4:15 exhorts us to speak the truth in love.

In other words, we do not flinch from speaking God's truth, the truth about Christ Jesus and salvation. But we must speak that truth in love.

Just being "nice" might prevent us from speaking God's truth. For example, we now live in a world where Christians are being singled out for sharing their Christian values. The world wants us to compromise and keep our opinions to ourselves.

Jesus never suggested we should lie, or twist the truth, and nor did he himself ever flinch from speaking the truth, even when he knew speaking the truth would result in his death.

The greatest disservice we can do to any person is to avoid speaking the truth about Christ Jesus, our Lord and our Saviour. By trying to avoid hurting anybody's feelings (when it comes to spiritual truth) we are denying our Lord and our Saviour.

Of course, it is HOW we speak truth that matters, and that boils down to our motivation. My mother used to say that if a response was neither necessary nor kind, then it would be better to say nothing. She was a very nice woman.

EDIT: Additional biblical references on the subject of how Christians should speak truth in love:

On many occasions Jesus spoke uncomfortable truths in love. He confronted the rich young ruler about his attachment to his wealth (Mark 10:17-27), and he spoke to the woman by the well about her sexual behaviour (John 4:1-26), with amazing results (John 4:39-42).

To conclude, Christian truth and love go hand in hand and should never be separated. If we speak the truth without love, we are harsh and ungracious and fall far short of the example of Christ Jesus. If we act in a supposedly ‘loving’ manner without basing what we say and do on the truth, we betray Christ and confirm the other person in their error.

P.S. Christ-like love has a divine source and goes way beyond just being "nice".

Lesley
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  • Romans 12:17-21? – Kris May 28 '23 at 15:11
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    @User14 - "Be careul to do what is right in the eyes of everybody", and, if possible, "live at peace with everyone" is sound advice for how Christians should behave towards other people. One could say that is how to be "nice" but it does not advocate lying or twisting the truth to avoid hurting the feelings of a friend (which is what the question asks). We can be kind when we speak truth, which is where our motivation comes in. 1 Corinthians chapter 13 concludes that the greatest gift is love - which comes from God. – Lesley May 28 '23 at 15:46
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    Romans 12:17-18, "Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. If it be possible, as much as [depends on] you, live peaceably with all men". A.V. This has got nothing to do with being 'nice', but how to deal with evil, how to live honestly in every respect, and to seek peace as far as possible. As you say, speaking truth in love is what matters. The greatest truth we are to speak about is Jesus Christ and his gospel, which causes many to feel hatred against honest Christians, not because they aren't nice, but because they are honest. – Anne May 28 '23 at 16:29
  • “I can't think of any Bible verse that teaches us to be nice.” That now edited sentence is all I was responding to – Kris May 28 '23 at 19:26
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    @User14 - What's needed here is to understand what "nice" actually means and whether or not "niceness" has anything to do with speaking the truth. Also, what is the relationship between truth and Christianity. Was Jesus "nice" when he threw out the money-lenders from the temple? Was Jesus "nice" when he told the religious leaders they were like whitewashed tombs full of dead men's bones? This question does not seem to be focused on Christianity and the truth of who Jesus Christ REALLY is and what it means to be a Christian. We are to speak TRUTH in love. – Lesley May 28 '23 at 19:40
  • But that didn’t stop you from answering it even though it has several duplicates on site that are closed – Kris May 28 '23 at 20:27
  • @User14 - All I can say is I'm very glad that didn't stop Rhetorician from answering - he answered nicely, don't you think? – Lesley May 29 '23 at 07:38
  • I preferred the well moderated site of the past. This question is worthy of closure in a number of levels: general philosophical,duplicate, truth question, opinion based – Kris May 29 '23 at 13:47