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I have been all my life judged by people, especially women including my sister and mom. I have also been rejected badly by some women or at least I made wrong judgements to feel that way. My question is how can I overcome this. It is causing feelings of inferiority, worthlessness and low confidence. Is there any particular meditation practice available in Buddhism or any particular practical teaching that I can implement to be free of this karma and advance on the path?

Thanks, let me know if any more info is needed.

Kobamschitzo
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  • Follow the Buddha's teaching. Human beings are all unaware unless they are saints. It's highly improbable that your sister and your mother are saints. – Lowbrow May 03 '23 at 07:12
  • In Buddhism, only the judgments that are in accordance with Dhamma are accepted, regardless of the person who judge. (whether it is you or others). So go forth in the Triple Gem and read the Viduddhimagga to know about the Path. – Blake May 09 '23 at 10:35

4 Answers4

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I found this answer help (by Ven Yuttadhammo).

It's not in answer to a question about meditation -- you can read the question -- but here's how I read the answer.

First it distinguishes "conceit" from "view".

  • A conceit is feeling or experience which arises
  • It may or may not be valid
  • One may not (need not) "hold" it as a "view" or "belief" -- instead one might "mentally discard it as being based on delusion rather than accepting it as valid"
  • As a "defilement" it is a "remnant of past belief in self"

I also find Wikipedia's summary of conceit useful:

Māna (Sanskrit, Pali; Tibetan: nga rgyal) is a Buddhist term that may be translated as "pride", "arrogance", or "conceit". It is defined as an inflated mind that makes whatever is suitable, such as wealth or learning, to be the foundation of pride. It creates the basis for disrespecting others and for the occurrence of suffering.

The canon identifies it as a source of inter-personal argument -- perhaps "my understanding of Dhamma or Vinaya is better than yours", for example -- to be avoided.

See:

I found that "you are blame-worthy" is a (unfortunate) dynamic in some family relationships.

I also like the second part of Ven. Yuttadhammo's answer:

  • Comparisons are a form of conceit -- and here your question was about "inferiority"
  • "a Sotapanna can only give rise to true conceit"

I guess that in terms of "being judged" -- whether that's "by others" or perhaps by the "arising of a conceited thought" -- you may (especially if you're able to see clearly) consider whether that judgement or comparison is "valid".

  • If it's invalid then perhaps discard
  • If it's valid then perhaps, learn from it and behave accordingly?

There's another aspect to the Dhamma, about "spiritual friendship", which holds that it's by comparing yourself to -- emulating, living with -- someone "better" that you may progress; see for example:

One more thing -- my wife and mother were both professional pre-school teachers -- and I think that the conventional wisdom, the teacher-training or philosophy which they were taught and acted on, is to avoid blaming people (children) and making out people to be inferior. My mum's senior teacher gave her some version of this text as an embroidery, she had it on the wall by her desk when I was a child:

CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE
--Dorothy Law Nolte

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.

I think the rule for teachers is to distinguish or to teach good and bad behaviour -- praising good behaviour, and teaching better behaviour -- not the same as trying to teach a child that the child is a bad person.

I think there may be parallels with "identity view" in Buddhism -- i.e. you learn "this is good or bad behaviour" without necessarily taking that as an identity-view or a belief about "self".

It also helps to distinguish the behaviour from the person -- it's not that "he's bad" because "he behaves badly" -- behaviour changes and can be directed.

ChrisW
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  • Conceit is a fetter cut only by Arahants. – Dhamma Dhatu May 04 '23 at 02:54
  • That was why I posted that question i.e. to understand the distinction. – ChrisW May 04 '23 at 02:58
  • Your answer says you have/had a wife & mother. I think the OP question is about expectations of women towards men rather than related to supramundane matters of conceit. Surely your mother & wife had intentions towards you so you were a well-behaved submissive obedient son & husband? Were you well trained in wishy-washy flexible feminist political correctness? – Dhamma Dhatu May 04 '23 at 03:04
  • "I think the question is about expectations of women towards men rather than related to supramundane matters of conceit" I didn't think so. "Inferiority" (per the title) is implicitly "a comparison", that and its asking about "feelings" of inferiority (and how not to hold onto those) reminded me of Ven Yuttadhammo's explanation. – ChrisW May 04 '23 at 03:10
  • Sure. All dukkha is attachment & conceit. But, imo, there is underlying nestbuilding dynamic in the OP question. – – Dhamma Dhatu May 04 '23 at 03:36
  • Well we are asked to Take care when "reading into" a question -- guessing at the OP's "dynamic" (based e.g. on your own experience) might be wrong. But it's also suggested that we answer based on personal experience (as well as based on references), so, in this answer I tried to explain "experience" without presuming I would accurately judge the person asking the question. And their comment to you, i.e. "we are here to be liberated", suggests maybe they are more interest in the supramundane than in nestbuilding. – ChrisW May 04 '23 at 03:37
  • But your answer also included non-Buddhist personal experience about your mother & wife. At least my answers & comments stick to Buddhism. – Dhamma Dhatu May 04 '23 at 03:38
  • Did I tell you about when I visited my lesbian cousin last year? My lesbian cousin & her partner said to me they were considering having a child however I (DD) was the only man they would consider being the sperm donor. I was totally horrified; despite the compliment. But my mother scolded me, replying at least I would have done something useful in my life for once by being a sperm donor. My mother was all on board with the other four women in the room. I was the sole male (mindfully) enduring this kamma of others. – Dhamma Dhatu May 04 '23 at 03:40
  • Their comment to me, i.e. "we are here to be liberated", demonstrates the skill & wisdom of my answer, which promoted this Lion's Roar from the OP. – Dhamma Dhatu May 04 '23 at 03:44
  • You didn't tell me that, no; though I previously gathered that your relationship with your mother is strained, and I may remember something you wrote about a sister, and another about another woman who you encountered. Maybe I see how you use that kind of experience to inform your answers. I still think it's useful though to disctinguish whatever the behaviour is from the person, and perhaps especially in children. – ChrisW May 04 '23 at 04:05
  • Your perception is obviously wrong & something solely from ChrisW papanca citta. My relationship with my mother has never been strained; although it may have been for her at times when i left the country. Personally, i never take the worldling puthujjana in the family seriously. – Dhamma Dhatu May 04 '23 at 04:13
  • Let us continue this discussion in chat. – ChrisW May 04 '23 at 04:14
  • No. The chat is over. The conjecture is non-Buddhist. Its the stuff of womens gossip magazines. – Dhamma Dhatu May 04 '23 at 04:15
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In Buddhism, there is the practice of 'metta', often translated as 'loving-kindness' but simply meaning 'good-will' or 'respectful friendliness'.

Metta is practiced towards both oneself & others. The suttas say:

157 If one holds oneself dear, one should diligently watch oneself. 165. Purity and impurity depend on oneself. 166. Let one not neglect one's own welfare for the sake of another, however great. Clearly understanding one's own welfare, let one be intent upon the good.

Dhammapada

Searching all directions with your awareness, you find no one dearer than yourself. In the same way, others are thickly dear to themselves. So you shouldn't hurt others if you love yourself.

Ud 5.1

And how is it, bhikkhus, that by protecting oneself one protects others? By the pursuit, development, and cultivation of the four establishments of mindfulness. It is in such a way that by protecting oneself one protects others.

And how is it, bhikkhus, that by protecting others one protects oneself? By patience [forbearance; tolerance], harmlessness, lovingkindness and sympathy. It is in such a way that by protecting others one protects oneself.

SN 47.19

To have feelings of inferiority, worthlessness and low confidence seems to indicate insufficient metta development towards oneself. A Buddhist practice of metta is chanting or repeatedly thinking the following:

May I abide in well-being,

In freedom from affliction,

In freedom from hostility,

In freedom from ill-will,

In freedom from anxiety,

May I maintain well-being in myself.

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Dhamma Dhatu
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    Thanks for the answer, the last part really helps. I also felt this myself recently when I meditated on my subjective view of myself, I realized I am angry at myself on a subtle level. Then I gave myself love, and I felt a lot different afterwards. I am just putting here in case future readers find this helpful. – Kobamschitzo May 05 '23 at 03:34
  • You are welcome. Our goal is for our own well-being. – Dhamma Dhatu May 05 '23 at 05:35
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Generally, women close to us, such as our mother, want what they personally believe is best for us, according to their own views of what is best in life. While we may disagree with them, we should try to appreciate their intentions. Always remember our mother looked after us & sacrificed for us; even though her giving birth to us was her personal choice & desire.

Did I tell you about when I visited my lesbian cousin last year? My lesbian cousin & her partner said they previously were considering having a child however I (Dhamma Dhatu) was the only man they would consider being the sperm donor. I was totally horrified; despite the compliment. But my mother scolded me, replying at least I would have done something useful in my life for once by being a sperm donor. My mother was all on board in agreement with the other four women in the room. I was the sole male (mindfully, with clear-comprehension) enduring this kamma of others.

My lesbian cousin really loves me. We took lovely photos together. We hung out a lot when we were young plus we look so much alike. I suppose, for her, her intentions were a type of 'love'. Fortunately, as men, we are physically created stronger & faster to escape such intentions.

Dhamma Dhatu
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The Pali suttas say:

  1. The power of women is anger - AN 8.27

  2. Women have as their ultimate goal authority/domination - AN 6.52

  3. A husband should serve his wife - DN 31

We should be careful with Western Marxist Woke ideas about female equality & Patriarchy or pornographic ideas about female submission. The Buddha taught it is the nature of women to domineer men. That is the way things are. If you wish to improve how women view & treat you then you should develop qualities that please women, such as working for them, serving them, complimenting their appearance, buying them regular gifts, etc. The Buddha taught:

A husband should serve his wife as the western quarter in five ways: by treating her with honor, by not looking down on her, by not being unfaithful, by relinquishing authority to her and by presenting her with adornments. DN 31

Dhamma Dhatu
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  • "Western Marxist woke ideas" is a nonsense phrase that has nothing to do with either the question or Buddhism in general. Additionally the asker didn't mention if they were interested in the Theravada or Mahayana take; the Mahaprajnaparamitasastra breaks down the idea of gender entirely; some early Mahayana texts like Srimalidevi and Sumati's Questions make it clear that there's no spiritual difference between female and male practitioners; in EBT, Visakha, Mallika, and Ambipali, for example, were treated as socially more or less equal in status. – Zac Anger May 03 '23 at 12:57
  • " If you wish to improve how women view & treat you then you should develop qualities that please women, such as working for them, serving them, complimenting their appearance, buying them regular gifts, etc. " Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose..we are here to be liberated so wouldn't placing our happiness on a conditioned thing like women's view of us - wouldn't that be binding and be impermanent? – Kobamschitzo May 03 '23 at 13:02
  • @Kobamschitzo this sutta is advice to a layman on proper conduct for in the current lifetime, and also includes instructions on how to build a good relationship with your serfs — clearly not a section applicable to modern life. – Zac Anger May 03 '23 at 13:16
  • @Kobamschitzo. Yes. My answer is excellent for developing dispassion & disenchantment. In Buddhism there there are only two options towards women: (i) serving them; and (ii) giving them up. There is no third option of having women submit to male desires. This is unwholesome. – Dhamma Dhatu May 03 '23 at 20:54
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    Zac. The dhamma in the suttas has no historical context. The dhamma is natural law, always applicable. Please kindly write your own answers and try to not taint my answers with non-Buddhist comments. What you call "modern life" is often non-dhamma and saturated with defilements of greed, lust, hatred & delusion. Thank you – Dhamma Dhatu May 03 '23 at 20:56
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    I see that SN 37.30 says that women have up to five "powers" in fact -- of which, it says, "ethical behaviour" is the one of import to "the family". – ChrisW May 04 '23 at 01:02
  • Yes. Part of this ethical power is keeping a husband under control or under her thumb. Did you miss the suttas SN 37.26 & SN 37.27? Its interesting how you chose the sutta about expelling a wife. You may have possibly mistaken this for Marxist Patriarchy but I guess it is the whole family that expels the unethical wife, including the women. – Dhamma Dhatu May 04 '23 at 02:38
  • @DhammaDhatu Specific discourses (and commentaries, subcommentaries, rules, etc.) certainly do have context. Teachings about dealing with serfs or instructions to hereditary monarchs, for example, aren't particularly relevant today. Some instructions have both historical and geographical context, which is why bhikkhus in the west frequently stay in viharas year-round even though that flatly contradicts some early texts, or why those in some countries wear long sleeved shirts. I didn't need to answer separately because both Lowbrow's and Chris's answers are good. – Zac Anger May 04 '23 at 02:42
  • Zac. Your comments about serfs (servants) are irrelevant because the suttas teachings are not about justifying having servants. The suttas teachings only explain how servants are to be treated. It follows, the sutta teachings give the same instructions on how to treat indentured servants and how to treat paid employees. Similarly, the sutta teachings are about how men & women should best relate to each other, according to the laws of nature. The suttas say girls/women are to be protected by their families until married into a good home. There is no sex before marriage for real Buddhists. – Dhamma Dhatu May 04 '23 at 02:43
  • @DhammaDhatu I'm going to disengage from this discussion because I don't think it's productive. I disagree with your view and see it as somewhat fundamentalist, but you're of course welcome to have your own view. Maybe it'll turn out that my view is actually incorrect, I don't know. – Zac Anger May 04 '23 at 02:49
  • Yes. please disengage from what is harmful to yourself & harmful to Buddhism. I am posting the view of Buddhism rather than my personal view. It is you that is posting personal views. The Buddha was a fundamentalist. The Buddha stuck strictly to his teachings and admonished those who misrepresented his teachings. The Buddha also admonished those who engage in slander against others. Take care. – Dhamma Dhatu May 04 '23 at 02:49
  • "Its interesting how you chose the sutta about expelling a wife." I didn't choose it for that, it's that that's the sutta which implies that, of the five, the important one is sila. – ChrisW May 04 '23 at 04:11