You've clearly put a lot of thought into this and are exploring varied options as to how to support your child through this. Great parenting all around.
However, I'm noticing that all the options you list entail your involvement before it's too late. You've never mentioned even one case of actually not having reached a goal (perfect tense, i.e. it's too late now), only that you feel like a goal won't be met (future tense, i.e. it's still possible to intervene).
Sorry for the grammatical tenses here but it actually hints at an important element in this story.
I also want to point out a very specific quote:
Q Why do we fall?
A To learn to pick ourselves up again.
I suggest watching this 44 second video because it conveys the meaning better.
I want you to notice something in the video. It's very clear that Alfred is a parental figure to Bruce in this scene. But Bruce is already bleeding and hurt. He wasn't just at risk of getting hurt, he's well past that point. I think this is the key part you're missing.
One of the best learning tools available for any human (any creature, really) is to actually fail, because the hard consequences are the most concrete incentive for learning that you're ever going to get.
I get the feeling that you're letting them teeter on the edge, you're not letting them fall. Let them fall. Let them deal with the consequences of failing to meet their goal. Give them a chance to try again. Let them fall again. Be there to pick them up, but don't be there to stop them from falling in the first place.
You're clearly a doting parent. And we try to make our children's lives better in whatever way we can, which includes helping them cross hurdles faster than they would on their own, or preventing them from failing and instead already giving them the solution that we know.
And that's great in general, but it has to be with the child's consent. You can help them across the hurdle, but you shouldn't push them. I think you already know this based on your intention to cater to your child's wishes.
Your child is explicitly telling you that they want full control over the process all the way, and I think you and your child are not in agreement as to where the line of parental involvement should be drawn.
Based on how you describe your child's statements, it seems they want no involvement from you all the way to the point of failure, where future tense turns into past tense.
From your perspective, you're being a caring parent. But from their perspective, you are overriding her agency as an individual. That language may sound very severe to your ears (and mine), but it is how your teenage child experiences it, they are dead set on defining their own identity and life.
I don't think what your child is asking for is a good baseline for the indefinite future, it would effectively remove your parental guidance altogether. At 14, that is not appropriate. However, temporarily allowing this allows them the benefit of a simulated freedom in which they can explore their own abilities, fail at things, suffer the consequences of that failure, and come out the other end realizing that you might have some useful answers for them.
They might even surprise you and find their own footing without needing your help. And even if they don't, that's okay, you'll still be there to help them, just like Alfred was there for Bruce (in the video I linked).
Your child is wanting to have their hands on the steering wheel. Rather than you involving yourself when you see fit, your child wants you to stand on the sidelines and only get involved when they ask you to. In 4 years time, they're going to be an adult who is expected to be capable of that 100% of the time. Right now would be a good moment to test the water by giving them a subset of life responsibilities and not catching them if they fall.
Obviously, don't do this for life-threatening failures or consequences that they cannot recover from. But being late for school a handful of times isn't a dire consequence. It's not great, and there should be repercussions (if not enforced by the school, then by you), but this should be a good lesson to learn in terms of life management without any long term repercussion if they happen to fail.
Concrete example
I know the answer is long already, but I wanted to add a response to the concrete example you gave:
When I do in fact involve myself (i.e., wake her in the morning when she forgot to set her alarm, or simply switched it off)
You tried to fix the problem before it occurred, which to her feels like you're taking away her agency.
Here's my suggestion: wake her up at the time that her first class starts, i.e. the exact time that she is definitively late. If first class starts at 8:30am, intentionally do not wake her even a minute earlier than that. When you barge into her room, you need to do it when it's already 8:30am or later.
Because now she can't argue with you about having failed at managing the thing she promised she'd manage. She failed to deliver on her promise. Now, you have your foot in the door and can involve yourself.
However, limit your involvement to getting her to school. The next day, let her manage herself again. It's okay for you to talk to her in the evening just to get her to confirm her intention of managing her own time and agreeing that she intends to get to school on time; but don't tell her how to do it. Trust that she has the opportunity to do better than she did the first time.
The point of the exercise is not that she does it right the first time. The point of the exercise is that she learns to improve herself. This requires a repeated process of trial and error.
Repeat this process for as often as you need. This depends on how frequently she's late. If this is only once in a while and she's generally on time, it's not as big of an issue compared to her being late every single day.
Personally, I would say that as long as the days she's late to school are becoming fewer and further between; she's on the right track and you don't have to intervene. An upward curve is exactly what you should expect.
If she brushes being late off as "not a big deal" and takes no action to improve herself, I would hope that her school has some form of punishment for repeated tardiness. If not, you should introduce one yourself, e.g. extra chores, or threatening to stop the experiment of her being allowed to manage her own time.
Let her learn through consequences, rather than through your advice. She's at the age where she's no longer interested in blindly following a parent's advice just because the parent says so. This may be difficult to hear for a loving parent, but it is a necessary part of becoming an adult, and it seems it's your and your daughter's time to shift your relationship based on her becoming a young adult.
Good luck to both of you.
One final thought added: your situation is very similar to workplace considerations on how to get an employee to pick up their responsibilities. While an employee should be handling these responsibilities and your teenage child does not have that kind of final responsibility yet; the process of getting them to do so is virtually the same. This may provide additional resources for you to read up on.
Assuming the 'stuff' matters to you or the family, why not ask/demand/suggest that your teen sets out a plan, including a timetable?
– Robbie Goodwin Aug 26 '23 at 18:26